Today I learned about people

Today was pretty much like every other day at work, until my learning experience hit me right in the back of the head.  Like the smack your mom would give you for mouthing off...only today was a metaphoric smack in the head.  The one that reminds you trusting people is dangerous and stupid.  

I got comfortable.  I got complacent, in a way.  I have been told many times that "they couldn't do it without you" until I started believing it.  Believing it is the danger.  You can't actually believe what they tell you...because if you do, you let your guard down.  You become comfortable and complacent.  You find out that you were right all along...up until the time you weren't.  The moment you started to believe.

You see, it is not my usual nature to believe in myself too much.  It was drilled into me as a kid.  I was not smart.  I was not pretty.  I was not healthy.  I was never going to amount to anything because being an ugly, sick, stupid girl, I was never going to accomplish anything.  I was told I never followed through...never completed anything.  After awhile it becomes the thing you know as surely as you are standing there.  So I was never too comfortable.  I was never complacent.  I was never in any danger of pride going before a fall.  But neither was I going to amount to anything.

Over the years, I held fast to those beliefs.  Held onto them like they were a lifeline...after all, it was the one thing I was sure about.  As sure as I was standing there.  Over the last 10 or so years, I have begun to feel less like nothing.  More like I can do something.  Like I am valuable.  Like I am smart. I got pretty good at my job...really good at my job. Still not so pretty but funny so, I have that, too. 

Then there was today.  Today when I was reminded that you can't trust the people who build you up because they would sell you down the river for a nickle.  Back that bus right over you.  They won't look you in the eye as they ask "I remember you saying that.  Didn't you just say that?".  I got so good at my job that I became the one person who could be blamed for everything that went wrong.

Here's what I have learned to do very well.  I have learned to defend myself.  I taught my kids how to defend themselves...not with a gun or a knife, or by fighting but by using words.  The power of using my words to spout the truth is my super power.  I don't yell or get stressed out, I simply state the facts.  The well documented facts.  

Did I mention that I keep all documentation that has anything to do with something that could come back and bury me?  Well, that's the other thing I can do.  I can document.  My firm grasp of the English language has helped me through a lot.  

So, today I learned about people.  I learned that you don't work with your real friends.  You work with work friends...people you talk to at work but really don't do much with except go out and have a drink or dinner to complain about the only thing you have in common...work.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I knew all along they weren't my real friends but I got comfortable and complacent-I though I could trust them with my thoughts about work.  

I should have trusted them about my personal life.  They couldn't have hurt me with that.  But, I learned a valuable lesson today.  Don't say anything at work about work that you don't want everyone at work to hear.  Because your work friends will spill it...to anyone who might be able to give them something in return.  A K-Cup for the coffee machine; an extra water from the drug-rep lunch...whatever.  The information went so cheaply.  

I learned about people today.

I learned I can trust very few.

I learned that sometimes, when I get comfortable, I can't even trust myself.

Later...