10 months later....

It's been awhile.  A long while.  I love to write and I do write but I am terrible at this blogging thing!  I think I just use a computer and write so much during the day that, even though I am the only one reading this, I feel like a blog is a commitment and more like a chore.  I will make a better effort.  I say that but who am I kidding?

I have been working a lot and my job itself, while very similar, is completely different that I did 6 months ago.  Before I was hired as a new employee by our local hospital district to do a job I have been doing for 22 years.  Starting over is kind of a tough gig.  What did I do to deserve this?  I used to have 6 paid holidays, 64 hours of sick time, 2 personal days and 160 hours of vacation.  Now I only get 160 hours (or so) to use for ALL PTO.  

Just catching you (me) up.  My effort begins tomorrow when I write for a second day in a row.

Later...

A long, long day

Worked 11 hours, drove home, fixed dinner, collapsed in the chair and it's already time for bed.  Barely home only 2 hours.  Sad.

Work today was stressful. As stressful as watching a two year old ride a tricycle around a swimming pool.  You know you should do something about it but it would be too late to stop it.  The slow, downward spiral.

I am convinced tomorrow will be infinitely better.  How can I be so sure, you ask?  Easy.  I simply won't stand for anything else.  Tomorrow MUST be great.  Tomorrow will be the epitome of the Annie song...Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow...you're only a day away!   Then the words change a bit...The weekend, the weekend, I love ya, the weekend....I can't think of a rhyme right now, but you get the idea.

This weekend needs to be filled with preparing the house for me to be down a week-10 days.  That means, laundry, cooking and food prep for the week, laundry, bathing the dog, laundry...I have a lot of laundry.  I have been practicing my avoidance behavior and now there are just no more excuses!  The laundry MUST and will be done.

Ack!

It is almost 8:30 pm and I am past ready for bed.  I am looking around wondering when I got so old 8:30 pm is considered a proper bedtime again.  My 4 year old grandson goes to bed at 8:30.  My mother goes to bed at 8:30.  

A shiver just ran up my back at the realization that I have actually, in many ways, become my mother.  Including behaving like a 72 year old woman with a bad heart and bad lungs (although I have had much worse lungs than she has for my whole life).

Oy!  My lumbago!

Later.....

The plans that went awry

My son and his girlfriend have been visiting since Saturday evening.  He was to visit his father on Sunday and have dinner with us Sunday night.  I invited the nice young Navy man from across the street to have said Sunday night dinner with us because I know he is single and I thought having the kids here, it wouldn't be so awkward for him...you know, eating dinner with two old people you barely know but who invited you to dinner to be nice.

My son found out his dad had actually decided to take the kids to dinner Sunday night and go listen to some music.  Our small community had a Jazz festival in town over the Labor Day weekend.  My son, being a gracious, kind human being couldn't tell his dad no.  I mean, kind of my son't fault for not getting the specific plan with his dad.  So, the kids would not be here for dinner after all.  

I didn't feel comfortable cancelling on the neighbor so...Ribeye steak, potato salad, green beans cooked in a foil pack on the grill...mmmmm.  Dinner turned out pretty good!  That poor neighbor...also a gracious, kind human being...stayed over two hours.  What a sweet guy.  I am not sure I could have done it at that age.  Ok, I could have, but I have always been old.  This kid, a saint for putting himself through it.

I tried to let him know, subtly of course, that he did not need to feel obligated to stay but he just sat on the sofa after dinner and visited for awhile.  He asked about landscaping (he just recently bought the house across the street and it was sorely neglected for two years prior to his purchase of it), changing out windows and his continuing upgrades to the house's interior.  We know a little about his past, his family and his Navy career.  

He thanked us profusely for dinner and the leftovers I sent him home with.  My husband walked him to the end of the driveway, talking more about potential landscaping ideas, and came back in the house.

He said "That poor kid.  He had to have been bored but it was nice of him to stay and visit."  to which I responded "I can see him avoiding eye contact with us in the future."

All in all, a nice visit.  

Later.... 

Children

I found out a few days ago my son and his girlfriend will be coming to visit this long weekend.  But not for the whole long weekend.  Arriving Saturday evening and leaving Monday or Tuesday.  I am pretty excited.  I don't see my children as much as I like since they all grew up and got their own lives.  

That is the thing that no one tells you is going to happen when you have children.  Oh, as an ex-child myself, I KNOW it happens but no one tells you how to prepare for that kind of heartbreak.  I was/am pretty close to my children and when I don't speak to them any more than once a month or even once a week, it makes me sad.  I miss them.  

My husband doesn't always understand exactly how I feel and why I get all spun up and try to over prepare for them to arrive.  Why I insist on spoiling them every time they visit.  He, as a man, can never understand Mother Love.  He remained pretty close to his parents, speaking to them or seeing them daily or weekly.  He worries about how sad I get knowing they will be leaving soon after they come visit and the cycle will start again...where I hear from them little and see them even less.  We all have jobs, they have kids and significant others.  I don't want to deprive them of their lives but I still want to be important.

So they come see me.  And it is as though we have never been apart.  We are close.  We talk.  We hug.  We play games.  They make me important.  And that is the feeling that keeps me going.  Knowing I will get many chances to be spoiled by my children and grandchildren.  

Every day I know they love me as much as I love them.  But the spike of joy and comfort of their visits makes the few sad-because-I-miss-them days disappear.  Perhaps the is how the sadness becomes bearable.  Because the tank is refilled before it reaches the absolute bottom.

Children...the agony and the ecstasy.  Every day is a gift.  Treasure it.  

Later...

Four day weekend!

So, after what seemed like a week much longer than 4-10 hour days, I have today off...and the next three days as well.  Thank you Labor Day!!

I am waiting around this house today for the DirecTV guy to come.  I am having some reception problems since upgrading to HD and my DVR is giving me some trouble...sometimes it doesn't want to leave a page it is on, which I find frustrating.  I know it's just TV but I LOVE TV.  I can go without it but I don't have to so I watch quite a bit.  I feel I shouldn't have to pay for something that doesn't work correctly so they come out more than I have ever seen for anyone else.  

I am listening to a favorite movie, Austenland, as I write.  It is funny, weird, touching and romantic.  

The DirecTV guy can come anytime from 12-4 pm today.  geographically I expect he will be here closer to 4.  Since I live near the bridge to leave the island, I am usually first if a morning appointment or last if I am an afternoon appointment.  I have just over two hours.  Maybe I will take a nap.

I have been thinking a lot today about changing my kitchen and my bathroom.  I think they need a facelift...the bathroom needs a new floor, a new sink and maybe a fun tile back-splash.  My kitchen needs new counters, new back-splash and I want to paint the cabinets.  Mind you I have not discussed this with my husband,  so wanting new kitchen appliances is probably a total pipe dream.  

I will start to dream...I mean design what I want and then price it out.  If I can save the money, I am sure I can get what I want.  Crossing my fingers!!

Later.............

Today's topic? Anxiety!

If training a new employee wasn't enough to put someone in a state of anxiety, I found out today that I have to be off-site the next two days when I had a schedule to complete for training.  To top it off, it was a scorcher today, up in the mid 80's, which is blistering for around here.  

The only thing to do was get pizza for dinner.  Sure, I had to turn on the oven for half an hour but I didn't really have to cook and clean up is a breeze!

I am preparing for directing my third show at our local community theatre.  I love the theatre.  The creativity.  The interesting people.  The long days and nights.  The praying your show is a hit.  I live for it.  

The prep I am doing is answering several Dramatic Structure and Main Questions about the play.  I admit I am struggling a bit.  I am not usually stymied by anything requiring I write about it so this has been very challenging.  But excellent.  An I am learning a great deal.  A very nice man and his wife are helping me via email.  They have been a part of our small theatre before but he is in the military and is out on the boat.  

Spending any kind of time helping me with this has been a dream.  I am not sure I could possibly do anything to repay them for their kindness in helping me.  

This show will be excellent.  I cannot wait to complete my assignments and really get to the meat of it.  Creating the schedule.  Casting the show.  

Ah...the wonder of theatre.  

Stay tuned....Later

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!

So today was a bust.  By that I mean I accomplished nothing.  I slept off and on until 1:30 pm, which is so outside my normal behavior I am not even sure how to feel about it.

Finally I tidied up in the kitchen and did a couple of loads of laundry.  But for the most part, I was just plain old lazy.  And I was ok with it.  Until my husband called and essentially reminded me that he is at work all day today and I could have done something with my time...call his mom...go visit friends...run the vacuum.

So my husband has just pulled into the driveway and has been accosted by our neighbor.  I could call out to him and save him from the peril that is the unending conversation with a man who can talk about nothing all day long, but I am feeling a bit snarky about the phone call earlier.  Call me petty, but somehow I felt I deserve to let him stand out there and figure out for himself how to get in the house.

I went out with some friends last night, met a few girls for dinner.  I am the elder statesman of the group and feel very much like there mom.  One is 27, one is 28, and one is 40 but looks younger than the others.  It was fun and enjoyable.  I love those ladies very much.  It feels like the best kind of family when we all get together.  

Payroll to do now...Later

Writing is fun

I was buzzing around the Barnes and Noble a few months ago with my friend, Eva, just looking around, seeing what's new, looking at clearance books and Nook covers, books about crafts and cooking.  My friend Eva and I can spend hours in the bookstore.  It is like going to church for us.  We won't even step foot inside if we know we don't have at least two hours to commit to the B&N.  
We had found some fun journals and a cookbook or two when we walked past the Writing section, on our way to the ladies room.  I love writing and I said to her "Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a book to help you get started on a subject?  That's the worst part for me...figuring out what to start writing about".  As the words were still falling out of my mouth, I felt an elbow nudge me.  A hand held out a book of things to write about By the San Francisco Writers' Grotto.  

I was gobsmacked!  For a mere $16.95 plus tax I could get my feet wet writing again.  I had given it up and was using a writer's block excuse to avoid writing.  My friend Eva raised an eyebrow and said simply "No more excuses."

She was right of course.  She often is.  

I purchased the book and have proceeded, lo these many months, to open it, look at some of the things to write about, then closed it again.  Writing nothing.  Thinking nothing more about it until the next time I see it, open it, look at some of the things to write about, then close it again.  It really is a vicious cycle.  

So today, having about 4 hours on my hands before meeting some friends for dinner, I opened it, looked at the very first thing to write about and wrote.  It was wonderful.  

I am a Jack of All Trades, Master of None kind of person.  I can do a lot of things but I never really felt I was masterful at anything except writing.  Writing is how I share my creativity.  I have a friend who has so much creativity in her, it is astounding.  Hand her just about anything and she can do something creative with it.  She is the McGuyver of crafts.  I told her I would love to be able to do all the crafty things she can do but I could only write a story about it.

I think I will write to the publisher of the book to see if I can add some of them (or even all of them) to my blog.  Maybe they will be OK with it if they are getting full credit for the book-and the fact that I have only two followers so it should prevent the book from selling.  Maybe I can even get a following for my writings and their sales will soar!!  We shall see...

Later....

Question of the Day...

If a chicken and a half laid an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

I am not sure this is a question that can be answered.  Harry Anderson had a comedy special out on HBO in the late 80's...I got the question form that program.  No answer...just the question.   Thanks Harry Anderson.  Being perplexed is my thing.

Later...

And I thought last year was bad....

This year has begun with yet another deadly illness.  The flu or a cold to most people, but a near-death experiece for me.  3 1/2 weeks later, still cannot walk my hallway without being short of breath.  I am determined to try and live through it but it just isn't seeiming to be as easy as it sounds.

The upside: I have been knitting like I don't have any better sense.  I currently have three hat patterns that I am really enjoying.  Two of them are simple knit/purl patterns and the third is a brioche stitch that makes the yarn feel super soft and cushiony.  One friend called it fluffy.  I think that is a reasonable and accurate description.  The beauty of the brioche stitch hat pattern that I have is I can make it with or without a cuff and with or without adornment and the hat looks different and awesome any way.  I truly appreciate a versitile pattern.

More Upside:  I have had plenty of time, being stuck in the house and all, to keep my DVR menu completely watched!  The only thing on it right now is a program that is currently recording. 

The downside: I am on medication for this nightmare that prevents me from sleeping more than 3-4 hours.  Iam tired but my body says "get up".  Hence the clean DVR menu.

I have watched American Idol's first two audition shows this season.  I am really over the bad singers now.  I think it borders on just plain mean to bring them through all the phases leading up to the famous judges only to laugh at them and make fun of them.  Mean.  Sure, their parents should really have been truthful and told their children they have no singing talent and nurture them in other things but alas, they are seen on national television being made fun of by a group of "professionals" of whom they used to respect.  So not just mean...also really sad.

I am happy Anthony Ryan Auld won Project Runway All-Stars.  Iam enjoying the newest episodes of Castle, Once Upon a Time, The New Normal, Bones, New Girl and Modern Family.  I am super sad to hear they won't be making anymore episodes of Guys with Kids...My friend Tina's daughter Torrey has been in some episodes and it could have grown from there. 

This season of Shameless is shaping up to be more awesome than the last.  That show is funny, raw, touching and mostly more realistic than most of us can imagine.  The characters seem like real people.  LOVE IT!

So much television...thank goodness!  Ihave way too much time on my hands lately.

Later

Children of all ages

Working and paying close attention to the erratic behavior of those around me...I feel like I am on a playground and little Suzie just got pushed off the swing. 
Someone is laughing uproariously that another someone had her skirt tucked into her tights (sure it's funny but Tights is still standing there with her crimson cheeks still glowing).  Now, not only is the laughter really loud, the other three in the vicinity have joined in, further increasing the embarrassment of Tights, who by the way would not behave in this manner.  I think Tights should get to punch each of the laughers in the stomach.  As hard as she can.  And Tights is not a lightweight, let me tell you. 

Next, one of the overgrown children working here has decided to make everyone miserable because someone moved her chair to another workstation in her absence.  Said chair moved a mere  15ft to the other end of the workstation.  Its on wheels, for the love of Pete!  Roll it back.  Problem solved.

I love solving all the problems in here.  I feel strong and powerful. 

The rest of the playground escapades will have to wait for another time.  I have to sharpen my pencils.  You never know when someone is so irritating they have to lose an eye....

Later.....

Friends

Friendship has many levels and many definitions.  It is timeless and it is fleet.  It is deep and it is shallow.  In my humble opinion, the best friends are the friends you trust with your heart and, naturally, your secrets.  A true friend knows all about you yet loves you despite all of it.  To quote a line from "Can't Hardly Wait", "A true friend stabs you in the front".

I agree.

I think a front-stabber is not actually stabbing you with a blade (or anything else) but is not afraid to tell it like it is.  Give an opinion, even if it might not be so nice; tell what they think of you, even if it hurts some feelings; offer not-so-popular advice when it appears to be needed.  A true friend shares the good, the bad and the ugly.  I always thought of myself as a good friend.  I am blunt, sometimes to the point of viciousness, but never to intentionally hurt anyone.  I just say what I think, want, feel.  I have been thinking about this lately and wonder if that truly makes me a good friend or if it simply makes me mean.

Naturally, mean is not the goal yet sometimes is the outcome.

And here I am again, writing something sort of yawn-inspiring.  Something a bit deep and dark.  Gosh!  I have a sense of humor...perhaps I should take it out and polish it up a bit.  Show it off.  Remind myself that people like the fun and funny me much more than the deep, dark and uber-depressing me.  For that matter, I like the humorous me better, too.  I think once I have slept a bit I will be able to find her.

Or I just need to write while having a conversation with Eva.  We crack each other up.  We work well together, playing the straight man one minute then passing it on to the other so we each get our shots at the funny.  That's it!  I am going to call her the next time I write.  Maybe tomorrow...

Later...

Goodbye, dear friend

We are here to pay our respects to the Droid Bionic that gave it's life so meaninglessly in an unfortunate device vs auto accident but two, short days ago.  DB, as he was affectionately known by those who knew and loved him, was a hard-working Droid, doing all that was asked of him and asking for nothing in return save for an occasional charging of his battery.

He is survived by his owner and her spouse, two cats and a dog.  Private services were held on site .  The family requests no immemorial in his name but to live for today and take care of your device.  You never know how long his life may last.

Later

So much for every day

I have been a very bad blogger.  Very bad, indeed.  Since I have no followers it can't possibly matter that much but still.  I made a promise to myself that I would keep it up but I have failed...well, I have failed me.  Because, again, I am the only one reading this and since I wrote it, I don't feel all that obligated to visit it over and over to re-read it.

Life is pretty good.  My health is improving, which is great, and my marriage is good.  My children and grandchildren are doing well, although it would be nice if they would talk to their mother (Grams) every now and then.  I try to think back on when exactly I fell out of their lives but then I remembered....as soon as they grew up and got their own lives.  They don't need me anymore so they call when they can....See that?  See how I turned this into something super depressing?  I wonder what I am thinking sometimes!  I find me amazing!  Good...a little compliment I have given myself.

I am on a roll.  I think I deserve some dinner for that!

Later....

Or so it seems

In my world, things were great.  At least as far as things go.  Loving husband, 2pretty cute cats and a chubby chihuahua.  Kids grown with families of their own, which is great, two adorable grandsons.  Nearly perfect, really.

Until I stepped in it.  Again.  One would think I would learn but apparently, not so much.

I nee to make a change in my life.  Drastic.  It is the only way I can see getting my happy back.  But not all the way back.  The necessary change will take away one bit of happy but should fix the broken happy.  That makes sense to me somehow.

So, the drastic change began last night and will continue until I fix my mess.  It won't be easy and it most certainly won't be fun but it is for the greater good that I go to battle with my selfish obsession.

Wishe me luck!  I will need it.

Stay tuned...