Family

We all have one.  Well, at least some version of one.  We have our parents and siblings, cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc or we have the family we choose.  There is no biology tying us together, just the shear desire to be family.  

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have both.  

We have the family we were born into; people we love because our DNA comes from the same gene pool; people we might not like very much but are compelled to love out of a sense of duty or because we are similar in so many ways.  But we also have the family we chose.  The family that chose us.  No DNA required.  Just respect and love for the things that make us totally different and, in some ways, totally the same.  

I feel we have enough love to go around.  Bio family or selected family...we love them on the same level.  

SO, here is the lesson I learned today...we may not talk every day or even every week but family, whether via biology or selection,  is so much a part of us that time and distance are irrelevant.  I have their backs...and they have mine.  I worry about them...they worry about me.  I don't have to talk to them every day to know there is an unconditional love and respect between us.

It's how it should be.   

Later...

Today I learned about people

Today was pretty much like every other day at work, until my learning experience hit me right in the back of the head.  Like the smack your mom would give you for mouthing off...only today was a metaphoric smack in the head.  The one that reminds you trusting people is dangerous and stupid.  

I got comfortable.  I got complacent, in a way.  I have been told many times that "they couldn't do it without you" until I started believing it.  Believing it is the danger.  You can't actually believe what they tell you...because if you do, you let your guard down.  You become comfortable and complacent.  You find out that you were right all along...up until the time you weren't.  The moment you started to believe.

You see, it is not my usual nature to believe in myself too much.  It was drilled into me as a kid.  I was not smart.  I was not pretty.  I was not healthy.  I was never going to amount to anything because being an ugly, sick, stupid girl, I was never going to accomplish anything.  I was told I never followed through...never completed anything.  After awhile it becomes the thing you know as surely as you are standing there.  So I was never too comfortable.  I was never complacent.  I was never in any danger of pride going before a fall.  But neither was I going to amount to anything.

Over the years, I held fast to those beliefs.  Held onto them like they were a lifeline...after all, it was the one thing I was sure about.  As sure as I was standing there.  Over the last 10 or so years, I have begun to feel less like nothing.  More like I can do something.  Like I am valuable.  Like I am smart. I got pretty good at my job...really good at my job. Still not so pretty but funny so, I have that, too. 

Then there was today.  Today when I was reminded that you can't trust the people who build you up because they would sell you down the river for a nickle.  Back that bus right over you.  They won't look you in the eye as they ask "I remember you saying that.  Didn't you just say that?".  I got so good at my job that I became the one person who could be blamed for everything that went wrong.

Here's what I have learned to do very well.  I have learned to defend myself.  I taught my kids how to defend themselves...not with a gun or a knife, or by fighting but by using words.  The power of using my words to spout the truth is my super power.  I don't yell or get stressed out, I simply state the facts.  The well documented facts.  

Did I mention that I keep all documentation that has anything to do with something that could come back and bury me?  Well, that's the other thing I can do.  I can document.  My firm grasp of the English language has helped me through a lot.  

So, today I learned about people.  I learned that you don't work with your real friends.  You work with work friends...people you talk to at work but really don't do much with except go out and have a drink or dinner to complain about the only thing you have in common...work.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I knew all along they weren't my real friends but I got comfortable and complacent-I though I could trust them with my thoughts about work.  

I should have trusted them about my personal life.  They couldn't have hurt me with that.  But, I learned a valuable lesson today.  Don't say anything at work about work that you don't want everyone at work to hear.  Because your work friends will spill it...to anyone who might be able to give them something in return.  A K-Cup for the coffee machine; an extra water from the drug-rep lunch...whatever.  The information went so cheaply.  

I learned about people today.

I learned I can trust very few.

I learned that sometimes, when I get comfortable, I can't even trust myself.

Later...

You learn something new everyday

For the most part, I believe i learn something new every day.  Sometimes the details are miniscule but sometimes, and these are my favorite, I come across an honest to goodness, real life thing I didn't know before that very second.  I will frequently, when the moment allows, stop and spend a moment committing the new thing to memory, writing it down if necessary...and writing it down has become more and more necessary the older i get.  Sometimes, I push it to the back of my mostly crowded mind until I have time to really sink my teeth into it.  Sometimes waiting is the kiss of death.  The new thing I just thought I had learned was not learned at all for it has been forgotten. 

But I make an effort to learn a new thing every day.  Maybe it is just a work thing or just some cooking trick...whatever it is, I know I am fortunate to have learned it.  Every day I feel smarter, even for just a moment, for having learned something new. 

Today I began a writing Masterclass by James Patterson.  I learned that the passion for writing has to be exercised and fed to keep it alive.  I have to make time for writing.  And so it shall be.  I will write every day.  Something.  This blog.  Bits and spurts of my story. 

Just as long as I keep writing.  No excuses!  An hour a day is not much to give to my passion. 

My passion.  I like the sound of that.

Later...

All woke up with no place to go.....

Sunday morning and awake at 330....again.  I know it's my usual but I really do want to sleep.  Apparently, it is just not in the cards for me.  I guess there is no time like the present to get my daily (or most every day) writing in.  Next to me there is a little snoring chihuahua.  In the living room, there is a snoring husband, Sharing the sofa with two sleeping kitties.  Then there is me.  Sitting in bed, typing away.

This is a daily scene only most days only the snoring husband is next to the snoring dog, giving me a valid reason for being awake. 

I would love to get things done around the house ....as long as I'm up.  Waking up the snoring masses might not be the popular choice, however.  This time awake will just have to be  time lost to television, writing and reading.  All things I love but sadly not getting my floors done.  By the time I can get busy I will be ready for a nap.  A long nap....because I am tired from being up half the night.  But I won't nap....because if I do, I won't be able to go to sleep early enough to make 3 AM not feel that early tomorrow morning. 

The Vicious Cycle.

Nothing I can do but find my early morning creativity....or watch Law and Order....or read something.....I guess this time won't be wasted after all. 

I would still rather sleep till 0500, at least.

I guess creativity wins the day.

I have a book to read.

Later...

What a hectic week....

....but at least I am trying.  Long post or short post or barely any post at all....at least I am doing it.  It may not always be interesting, but I am doing it. 

And tomorrow I will do more.

I am so tired....

Later....

I missed you....

Missed the last 2 days.  Just too exhausted to write.  Work is sucking my motivation....but today I am back!  Still mentally exhausted, but back. 
I found out today my son's are polar opposites.  I knew it but was faced with the really today when my oldest told me something his younger brother said to him today about his chosen vocation.   It was mean.  It was sad.  I thought they had been making strides to grow closer but the statement todzy....well, it drove a pretty huge wedge between them.

My heart is broken. 

On the upside, today is Wednesday.

Later...

Day 6.....and counting

We have been experiencing record high heat out here in the Pacific Northwest.  It was in the 90s today....it got up to 84 in my house.  It's miserable.  I am miserable.  My poor cats and dog are miserable.  My husband is sitting in the garage wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt.  I don't understand that.   How has he not totally melted?  

Worked this weekend, which I actually didn't mind doing because work is air conditioned.  Most homes here don't have AC because it is usually a balmy 67 degrees when we break out the summer wear. 

Day 6 in a row.  Wow!  I am super tired today and afraid I have nothing to share except talk about the weather.

Check.

Later....

A day of house cleaning....

Well, a day of knowing house cleaning needs to be done.  I need to vacuum the downstairs, steam clean the carpets and rugs, clean out the office and organize it's contents, finish the kitchen, laundry doesn't do itself...The list is certainly longer than my ambition.  

My husband went to work today and I am on call waiting to find out when I can go do some testing at work.  I could just take a nap then take a shower then i would be ready to go to the office or I could begin the overwhelming list....I am thinking the nap might win.  It's early yet really and i don't think i will get a call before noon so....

Day 5...Who's proud of me??  Well, I am proud of me.  17 days until it's a habit.  Since I have no other habits like smoking or drinking, I feel I could take this habit by the horns and really do it!

Trying to decide what to do for dinner tonight.  It is going to be hot.  It has been super humid.  I will likely use the grill.  I am thinking I might get some nice grilling veggies and take a nice piece of cod out of the freezer...My husband caught a few nice cod and I vacuum sealed and froze them.  

I really need to quit procrastinating and accomplish something...even if it is only a nap and a shower...

Later...

I will survive...

As I sit back and watch everything implode around me I am hit with the notion that things CAN actually get worse!  SO much yuck, I was sure there was no chance of things getting worse.

Then it hit me.

The reality.  The sad, cold, harsh reality.  Not much to say or do really, just wait for the fallout.  Well, get out of the way and wait for the fallout.  Since this mess is not my doing but has certainly become my problem, getting the hell out of the way seems wise.  I mean, I wouldn't want to get any on me.

Something good: This is the fourth day in a row I have written.  Yippee!!  I want to throw myself a mini parade to recognize that just 17 more days and this will be a habit...harder to forget.  Harder to ignore.  I am still developing what I want to say but saying something in writing makes me happy.

I just watched the first episode of the new FX series Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll.  I am on the fence.  I love Denis Leary and John Corbett and the actress playing Denis Leary's illegitimate 25 year old daughter is awesome!  I love Leary's groupies.  It was good but kind of a yawn.  I am hoping it gets better quickly.  I am sure that as the story amps up it will get much better.

I am wiped out from this long week.  I hope it all works itself out soon.  I am too old for this nonsense!

Later...

I'm too old for this!

This has been a pretty terrible day at the end of a pretty terrible week.  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel as anything other than an oncoming train.  
Great!  
Another train and me without a ticket.  The story of my life.

This is day three in a row for writing.  It has been hard to find the time and today I am in a terrible mood but I am doing it.  Bursting with pride here! 

I have begun watching Wahlburgers.  I've seen a few from the past seasons and am watching this season from the start.  I love their family!  What a wonderful group of people.  Their mother should be very proud and it appears that she is.  I enjoy how they are a regular family with strong values and deep love and respect for each other. 

I'm beat.

Later...

When life gives you lemons....

Well, it was another lemonade day at work.  One piece of bad news after the other.  it was mostly intolerable with a few moments of "What?  What now??" tossed in for good measure.  I wonder how much more a person can take?  

Great.  

Now that's out there.  Never put that kind of question/statement out into the universe.  It will somehow find a way of meeting the challenge.

I am pretty proud of myself for this whole two days in a row thing I have going.  Next will be three, then four...before you know it I will be an official blogger.  I am considering trying to blog and make a living at it.  I know people do, I just need to research this idea.  

I am also writing from my things to write about book.  I don't have a big "great american novel" idea...yet.  I am holding out hope that very soon I will begin to write and I will find it hard to stop...I will see the story through to it's end.  

I don't want my only "publishing" credit to be the training and procedure manuals I write at work.  I have always wanted to be a published author.  Here's hoping!

My dog is snarfling outside the office door right now telling me I should be playing with her and not writing alone in the office.  I need to start dinner anyway....

Later....

10 months later....

It's been awhile.  A long while.  I love to write and I do write but I am terrible at this blogging thing!  I think I just use a computer and write so much during the day that, even though I am the only one reading this, I feel like a blog is a commitment and more like a chore.  I will make a better effort.  I say that but who am I kidding?

I have been working a lot and my job itself, while very similar, is completely different that I did 6 months ago.  Before I was hired as a new employee by our local hospital district to do a job I have been doing for 22 years.  Starting over is kind of a tough gig.  What did I do to deserve this?  I used to have 6 paid holidays, 64 hours of sick time, 2 personal days and 160 hours of vacation.  Now I only get 160 hours (or so) to use for ALL PTO.  

Just catching you (me) up.  My effort begins tomorrow when I write for a second day in a row.

Later...