The land of Negativity

I swear!  I am so negative of late...even for me.  I have largely been the glass half empty type for most of my life but I have always aspired to the glass half full.  I think being around unhappy, negative people is not helping one small bit but what can I do?  

I am trapped.

As I become more and more unhappy (or is it less and less happy?) I find myself being even more anti-social than usual.  For the past several years as my health has declined, I have wanted to socialize less and less.  I want to be at home in my own space.  I talk all day and when I come home I am quite done and want only to sit quietly with my dog.  

My youngest son wants to come visit this week.  He said he and his new wife and her 3 year old wild-child are coming on Thursday and staying until Sunday.  This would normally be fine but my workload is enormous, I have ICD-10 starting on Thursday, I just found out I have to work late Thursday and Friday and will likely have to work Saturday...And telling my son I would rather reschedule is not on my top 10 list of things to do...ever.  He has become easy to upset in recent months.

My house isn't ready for company but he has been so moody lately I am afraid to tell him for fear he will be angry.  

I think this stress might actually kill me.

I will try to pull myself out of this funk but if you've been reading my posts you will know I have so much to deal with right now that I think one more thing will surely make me blow up!

My apologies for taking you to the Land of Negativity.  I hope your ride was less unpleasant than it could have been.  I know you have a choice when reading a blog and I am so happy you chose mine.  Please travel with me again...I promise to make it less painful!

Later...

The good, the bad and the ugly

The last two weeks has been horrible and I am very, very happy they are in the past.  That said, the coming weeks won't be great, sadly.

The Bad:
     The offer was made but had to be declined.  At the end of the day, I have to face the facts that I work to be paid.  At my age, going backward is not an option.  I can't take a hit to my retirement fund match by half.  I can't pay 4-6 times more for my health insurance each month and still have an astronomical deductible and out of pocket max.   I can't take a job with a one hour commute each way (100 miles a day vs 15 miles a day) for a 15 cent per hour increase.

I can't.

I can't because at the end of the day, I work to be paid and I just can't go backward.

The Good:
     After several calls back and forth (even though I still couldn't accept the job) it was very evident that they wanted very much to hire me.  They increased the pay offer but with the benefit package being so poor compared to the benefits I have now....well, it is wonderful knowing they would work so hard...even if it didn't work out.  It really is an honor just being nominated!

The Ugly:
     Going to my current job every day is a trial.  There is little to no support and there isn't likely to be.  There is more work than any one person can accomplish on a given day.  I am sad and overworked-underpaid and under-respected.  I will forever be the person with the finger being pointed at them...at her...at me. I want so badly to be happy there again.  I don't think it's in the cards.  People are leaving the organization like rats from a burning ship!  

Luck rats.

My declining health is another issue.  One I had hoped might be alleviated by a new environment where even a commute to and from work would be less stress than my current position.  When my Nana was alive she used to tell me that "everything happens for a reason".  I believe that to be true but I often wonder what reason there could be to have me continually struggle.  

Since there is no way to answer that burning question, I will concentrate on more positive things.  Get my head in the game for this week...Gird my loins...pray for a better week than I am anticipating.

Later...

The key to failure is trying to please everybody

Application submitted: Check
References called: Check
Chances of success: Excellent!

I work for a hospital who owns several clinics, some general practice and some specialties, where I am the person who knows what's what with our electronic medical records.  This doesn't make me overly special it would seem until something isn't perfect.  Then it is all my fault...because I am the only one who knows this stuff.

There are many practitioners...headstrong, smart, whiny practitioners...all of whom feel the thing they want is the thing that should be happening in an urgent manner.  Understand that work can certainly continue without the thing they want...each demanding practitioner...but there will be no happiness if they don't get what they most desire.  

I, being one person, can only accomplish so much for so many in an eight hour day.  I don't play favorites but with the non-urgent, provider-requested, work-can-certainly-continue requests, I go with first come, first served.  Then I proceed to add to my ever-growing list of things to do all day long.  Some of these things are urgent, time-sensitive things.  Some are resolving issues when trouble tickets come int.  No matter what it is, everything is demanding of my time to accomplish it.  

I, being one person, do what I can.  I stay late, I come in early, I miss lunch (even though my lunch hour is taken automatically whether I take the time or not)...But still, every day, I add more to my list of things to do.  Now, I have help that was hired, but I barely have time to teach her.  I am trying.  I am tired.

SO, I have learned that everyone wants what they want but I can only do what I can do.  I can't feel guilty that someone didn't get what they wanted.  I work one task at a time.  I triage the tasks and accomplish what I can, putting off what I cannot.  

I cannot make everyone happy.  I could get it all done and still there would be at least one person complaining that I still didn't do enough.

I know this is a common, world-wide problem.  I know I am not alone.  I also know, working the same job for so many years, even though I work for a new company but largely for the same people, leads to guilt that I didn't get something done for someone.  

So, I am happy about the Check, Check, Excellent part of today.  I am not sitting in guilt tonight.  I am sitting in pride.  Tonight gets to be all about me.

I deserve it.

At least tonight.

Tomorrow is another story.

Later...

Without a struggle there can be no progress

Struggle is something I do every day.  I struggle to be void of pain.  I struggle to breathe.  I struggle to understand the idiocy that is 90% of the people I work with.  This week has been no different.  This week has not let me down.

So, I have learned that a person CAN be too tired to think.  I have been living it this week.  An upgrade to our computer system has created an exhausting week.  Not exhausting in the way a 12 hour day of Christmas shopping can or a day of running five miles or digging ditches, but exhausting in a When-did-I-get-hit-by-that-speeding-car kind of way.  A think-tank kind of exhausted.  

My brain is actually feeling fried.  I wanted to think of something to write about all week but had nothing until today.  Today these words are coming most likely due to the upgrade and subsequent testing being complete.  I am shutting down that problem so there is a tiny bit of room in my head now.  Until tomorrow.  When the fruits of my labor will be put to the test and any and all problems must be resolved immediately...or sooner.

I have had to endure the attempts of a higher-up making an attempt to tear me down.  "Do you feel like you can make an confidant, informed decision?" she asks, disdain in her inflection. "Yes."  I say with resolute defiance.  "okay...." she says in that sing-songy way your mom would when you told her you could do something you both knew was impossible.  And on a phone call with 11-12 other people.  Way to build my confidence.  Some Manager.  Why did she think it wise to tear down the one person who knows this stuff right before something so important?  

Who knows.

Some people need to make others feel bad so they can feel good.  I don't understand that way of thinking.  I am tough, too but not to the detriment of others.  There is no point in it.  

Tomorrow I will go to work, head held high, knowing I did it!  I made a confident, informed decision and successfully tested and edited the application!  If there are problems I will resolve them immediately and thoroughly!   Everyday is a struggle with my health...I won't tolerate a struggle with my job!  My job is something I am confident in.  I know it.  I can do it in my sleep.

Struggle be damned!  Tomorrow we succeed!!

Later...

Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you

As everyone has, I have been hurt by people I loved but who clearly didn't love me.  I have been hurt by people who I thought liked me but didn't.  I have been hurt by people I respected not giving even an ounce of respect in return.  I feel like every day there is another hurt to face although most times there is not a second thought given to the hurt.  It's easy to get over because I recognize it and can keep it from taking me down.  Recognizing an old hurt acts very much like a vaccine.  My body knows that hurt and can just beat it down and move past it without much thought.

But some hurts cannot be vaccinated against.  Some hurts are strong and the inflictor is smart, knowing exactly how to mutate the hurt to keep your body's defenses from sensing it and keeping it down.  Some hurts are designed especially for the recipient and directed to the most vulnerable place to cause the most damage.  These soul-sucking hurts are what really bring the pain.  The all over, intense, life-stealing pain can be so debilitating and overwhelming that it might never be stopped.

I know we all have at least one such pain but it's the way we deal with it that makes or breaks us.  

My biggest frustration is having to deal with the barrage of hurts, more than any mere mortal can defend against at once.  I can deflect and deflect and deflect when they come one at a time...But throw the whole arsenal out there at once and I am a goner.  The usual hurts I can readily deflect easily and without much notice are sent in all at once then the hurts get larger and stronger, less recognizable, that I cannot possibly withstand the blows.  My defenses are too badly beaten to continue the fight. 

Then comes the self-doubt.  Next the self-loathing with the white flag unfurling ...and suddenly I notice I am the one preparing to wave it.  

I realize defeat.  

I can't move or think.  I know there is still so much to get done but the inflictors are still standing over my weak, crumbled spirit, all waiting for the white flag of defeat to be waved so they can celebrate their victory.  Then there is a bright light...the light of self-defense that I have known longer than most of the hurts.  I remember then that I am strong.  I am smart.  If anyone can do it I can do it or it can't be done at all!

I can raise my head up and continue the fight.  My armor is weak and my spirit a little worse for wear but I will not be defeated this day!  They cannot destroy me, they can simply continue to try!  It is not in my DNA to quit...to lay down in defeat.

So here I am.  Living to fight another day and building my defenses to be stronger with every blow.  

Bring it on inflictors!  I don't lose until I say I lose.  And I don't choose to lose this day!

Better luck next time.

Later...

Karma and how to avoid it

I believe what they say about Karma.  I believe karma gives as good as she gets.  I believe that karma is the what that comes around and goes around.  I believe that everyone gets theirs in the end.  

Be kind to others for karma will strike a blow you weren't expecting if you aren't.  

I believe karma comes in many ways.  Laugh at the girl in the cubical next to you because she had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose?  Well, karma gets you back by causing you to trip just a little over nothing, but enough to drop an enormous file of loose papers...that everyone saw.  And now they are laughing at you.  Don't worry though...karma will have her shot at them, too.

Hit someone in the back of the head with a ball and it comes right back at you.  You can't get away from your karma fast enough.  This is a phenomenon known as instant karma.  Instant karma is a cruel mistress, indeed.

Sometimes karma is kind, generous even.
A friend needed an extra quarter to buy a bottle of water from a vending machine. The vending machine dispensed two waters instead of one. My friend gave me the extra water. 
It makes me smile to know karma can be good...good to the person doing a good deed and good for the person receiving the raw deal.

The lesson for today?  Be kind.  You never know if you will be the recipient of a bottle of water or a smack in the face with a giant ball.

Your behavior determines the outcome of your day.

think about it.

Later...

Life and Loss

A very dear friend of mine lost her grandfather just three weeks after her grandmother passed.  Dealing with that level of loss is nearly impossible to relate to.  I have not had the experience of losing many people close to me, but I have had my share.  I want to help her but I know there is nothing I can do except be there for her when she is ready to come back to the world.

My losses have been few by most adult standards.  I lost my Great-Grandmother when I was 10, my Grandmother when I was about 28, and my grandfather in my 40's.  My husband's father died after we had only been married about 9 months.  This loss...I felt this loss to the depths of my soul.  I loved my father in law.  He was a great man.  He would talk to me about my work and about his medical conditions and the meds he took for them.  He would tell my mother in law to "stop yammering at the girl" and share me...he wanted his time, too.  His wanted to give advice so I would always find some kind of minor problem for him to advise about.  His advice was always sound.  His smile enormous as he delivered it.

Loss is felt differently by different people and for different people.  What I mean by that is, losing my grandmother and grandfather (my mother's parents-I don't know my sperm donor's family) was really not even a blip in my life.  Grandma was the meanest woman I have ever met...even to this day.  My grandpa was a nice man but we really weren't close...he was married to the meanest woman in the world, after all, so there wasn't much opportunity to be close.

My great-grandmother, Nana, was a wonderful woman who would read to us and play jump rope...She helped us hone our imaginations.  Her daughter, my grandmother, didn't play with us or read to us.  But, she did instill in me a love for America's pastime, baseball!  I was ill a lot as a child (and even still now but I manage it better) and spent a great deal of time with Nana, who lived with my grandparents.  When I was at their house, wheezing, grandma would sit me in front of the TV and tell me to pay attention and take the stats of the game she turned on for me.  She was in the other room listening to another game on the radio AND watching a third game on a smaller TV.  Living in California offered many baseball teams to follow, and follow them she did!

Nana loved her soaps.  I loved her soaps.  I watched the entire schedule of ABC daytime dramas until they each went away.  As I got older and needed to work, I spent less time watching the soaps but I also learned that I could miss months and still not feel like I missed any when I could catch up with one on a sick day.  Luckily, I could always get through the soaps with Nana before I was put to work watching baseball.

I still watch baseball.  I don't keep the stats of every game in a binder like grandma...I just watch because I love it.  When I have the great fortune to go to a game, I cry when I crest the top of the steps at the Left Field gates of Safeco Field and can see the grass.  Baseball is special to me.  It was the only reason my grandmother spoke to me.  

Nana told us she loved us (and would turn out to be the only one who did for many years) and wanted to hear our songs and stories-wanted to know what kinds of games we played and helped us make up games only we knew how to play.  When she died, I thought I might not live, either.  I wondered who would love me and who would take care of me when I was sick.  

Now, I write stories that I feel Nana would like.  Stories I feel my father in law would appreciate.  Not all the stories I write are for Nana or Ken (my father in law) but I do find a great deal of inspiration thinking about them.  Wishing I could have had them a bit longer.  

Someday I hope to write a story that would have made them very proud.  I will know when it happens because I will feel their pride.  Sometimes I find myself talking to them...in my head...more than 40 years after her passing I still talk to her and he has been gone about 7 years.  Asking their advice.  I know they are watching over me.  I know they are proud of me.  I know they still love me.

What else does a person need?

Later...