Post vacation blues

We had a lovely vacation in beautiful San Diego where we visited our friends Holly and Paul.  They are in the middle of a renovation that has gone over-time and has caused some stress...needless to say, we stayed off premises for this visit.

Holly booked us a room at the Navy Lodge in Coronado.  RIGHT ON THE BEACH!!  Yes please!!  It was wonderful!  Both the room and the trip!  We relaxed, ate a lot and went to the San Diego Zoo!  It was excellent!  I really do love the zoo.  So many animals and so much to see.  A couple of days later we went to the Safari Park which, if you have never had the great fortune to go there, is a HUGE property where, like the zoo, you see the animals in their habitats...many of these animals are in large areas, unlike the zoo, and seeing them from one of the tram tours is best.  

AND...Holly took me to what seemed like every consignment store in Southern California!  Beautiful things there.  A lot of wealthy people buying things they didn't need so never used or wore all on sale for a song.  I got a $400.00 Coach purse for $50.00...it still has the care card inside and there was not a mark on it or in it!  YAY!

Coming home is both sad and wonderful.  Seeing my pets and sleeping in my own bed has great comfort but staying on the beautiful Coronado beach was pretty great, too.  

One more day of work this week!  Whew!  It's hardest to come back to work after a vacation, I think.  Even worse than the pile of laundry brought home from the trip.  

Tomorrow is my second grandson's 6th birthday.  I almost can't believe it!  How did he get so much older and so cute while I have not aged a day, I wonder?  Hmmm...a great question for another day.

Later...

Sunday

Today, my oldest grandson turns 8 years old!  He had his party at his mom's house this year and is having a Halloween party at his dad's house.  Since I am going to be on vacation for Halloween, I will miss his birthday entirely this year...which is a first!  It's pretty tough to miss it but I know grandparents who never get to see their grandkids so I try not to be too btter.

Today I have been learning about home security and video surveillance systems.  It's pretty interesting but a little over my head.  The major companies who can do the work for you provide no real, usable information on their website but rather ask you to fill out a form for them to contact you...like you want them to have your contact information if you don't select them.  Seems sketchy but I understand this is the norm.

The systems you can do yourself "with little to no hassle" don't really sound like there will be little to no hassle.  I mean, you have to do the work yourself and if it doesn't work, figure out how to fix it...or call support who can "talk you through it", which, working in the IT field and providing customer support makes me sure this won't be easy for most home users, to get the thing to do what it's supposed to do.  This is for my Mother in Law...the most difficult part of all will be convincing her she needs it.  We just convinced her to lock her doors!

We attempted to watch our shows this morning, as per usual on Sunday, but one of us kept falling asleep.  We got through two of them which leaves four more...I am hoping he is up for it now that the Seahawks game is over (they lost in the last couple of minutes)...I think I will go check.  I really want to see The Blacklist!

Later...

Sunday Sauerkraut and Seahawks

We were invited to watch the football game today with friends which I would normally send my husband to but today, we both attended.  When I arrived, my friend was mixing bloody mary base with a friend of hers in the kitchen of the main house.  We visited while they finished their project then went out to the garage where there is a smaller home and 8 people making sauerkraut, which has evidently become a tradition to do on the second weekend of October.  

This was a very nice, lively group of people, all vastly different...all enjoying the day together.  We arrived shortly after 0900.  These hard-working individuals had clearly been hard at it for awhile before we arrived as they had already done 2 of the four crocks which were to be filled with kraut.  Everyone worked together, taking turns in the confined area, in a merry fashion.  There was no back-biting...no drama.  Just conversation, laughter and the occasional outburst over the Seahawks game.  

We, my husband and I, had not met most of these people before today but were so glad we did!  We stayed until long after the game, only just now coming home from a 10 AM game.  That's pretty good for me.  I am usually the stay-at-home girl, perhaps hanging out for 15 minutes or so.  But time went by fairly quickly with all the good-natured conversation.  I don't know when I have had a better time just hanging out with strangers!

So, now I have a bunch of laundry to do...and dinner to make...and it's already 3 PM!  This is why I usually stay home on Sundays but I am happy I broke my traditional day and went out today.  I may be behind on the house work and laundry but I had a really good day!

A really good day.

Later...

The land of Negativity

I swear!  I am so negative of late...even for me.  I have largely been the glass half empty type for most of my life but I have always aspired to the glass half full.  I think being around unhappy, negative people is not helping one small bit but what can I do?  

I am trapped.

As I become more and more unhappy (or is it less and less happy?) I find myself being even more anti-social than usual.  For the past several years as my health has declined, I have wanted to socialize less and less.  I want to be at home in my own space.  I talk all day and when I come home I am quite done and want only to sit quietly with my dog.  

My youngest son wants to come visit this week.  He said he and his new wife and her 3 year old wild-child are coming on Thursday and staying until Sunday.  This would normally be fine but my workload is enormous, I have ICD-10 starting on Thursday, I just found out I have to work late Thursday and Friday and will likely have to work Saturday...And telling my son I would rather reschedule is not on my top 10 list of things to do...ever.  He has become easy to upset in recent months.

My house isn't ready for company but he has been so moody lately I am afraid to tell him for fear he will be angry.  

I think this stress might actually kill me.

I will try to pull myself out of this funk but if you've been reading my posts you will know I have so much to deal with right now that I think one more thing will surely make me blow up!

My apologies for taking you to the Land of Negativity.  I hope your ride was less unpleasant than it could have been.  I know you have a choice when reading a blog and I am so happy you chose mine.  Please travel with me again...I promise to make it less painful!

Later...

The good, the bad and the ugly

The last two weeks has been horrible and I am very, very happy they are in the past.  That said, the coming weeks won't be great, sadly.

The Bad:
     The offer was made but had to be declined.  At the end of the day, I have to face the facts that I work to be paid.  At my age, going backward is not an option.  I can't take a hit to my retirement fund match by half.  I can't pay 4-6 times more for my health insurance each month and still have an astronomical deductible and out of pocket max.   I can't take a job with a one hour commute each way (100 miles a day vs 15 miles a day) for a 15 cent per hour increase.

I can't.

I can't because at the end of the day, I work to be paid and I just can't go backward.

The Good:
     After several calls back and forth (even though I still couldn't accept the job) it was very evident that they wanted very much to hire me.  They increased the pay offer but with the benefit package being so poor compared to the benefits I have now....well, it is wonderful knowing they would work so hard...even if it didn't work out.  It really is an honor just being nominated!

The Ugly:
     Going to my current job every day is a trial.  There is little to no support and there isn't likely to be.  There is more work than any one person can accomplish on a given day.  I am sad and overworked-underpaid and under-respected.  I will forever be the person with the finger being pointed at them...at her...at me. I want so badly to be happy there again.  I don't think it's in the cards.  People are leaving the organization like rats from a burning ship!  

Luck rats.

My declining health is another issue.  One I had hoped might be alleviated by a new environment where even a commute to and from work would be less stress than my current position.  When my Nana was alive she used to tell me that "everything happens for a reason".  I believe that to be true but I often wonder what reason there could be to have me continually struggle.  

Since there is no way to answer that burning question, I will concentrate on more positive things.  Get my head in the game for this week...Gird my loins...pray for a better week than I am anticipating.

Later...

The key to failure is trying to please everybody

Application submitted: Check
References called: Check
Chances of success: Excellent!

I work for a hospital who owns several clinics, some general practice and some specialties, where I am the person who knows what's what with our electronic medical records.  This doesn't make me overly special it would seem until something isn't perfect.  Then it is all my fault...because I am the only one who knows this stuff.

There are many practitioners...headstrong, smart, whiny practitioners...all of whom feel the thing they want is the thing that should be happening in an urgent manner.  Understand that work can certainly continue without the thing they want...each demanding practitioner...but there will be no happiness if they don't get what they most desire.  

I, being one person, can only accomplish so much for so many in an eight hour day.  I don't play favorites but with the non-urgent, provider-requested, work-can-certainly-continue requests, I go with first come, first served.  Then I proceed to add to my ever-growing list of things to do all day long.  Some of these things are urgent, time-sensitive things.  Some are resolving issues when trouble tickets come int.  No matter what it is, everything is demanding of my time to accomplish it.  

I, being one person, do what I can.  I stay late, I come in early, I miss lunch (even though my lunch hour is taken automatically whether I take the time or not)...But still, every day, I add more to my list of things to do.  Now, I have help that was hired, but I barely have time to teach her.  I am trying.  I am tired.

SO, I have learned that everyone wants what they want but I can only do what I can do.  I can't feel guilty that someone didn't get what they wanted.  I work one task at a time.  I triage the tasks and accomplish what I can, putting off what I cannot.  

I cannot make everyone happy.  I could get it all done and still there would be at least one person complaining that I still didn't do enough.

I know this is a common, world-wide problem.  I know I am not alone.  I also know, working the same job for so many years, even though I work for a new company but largely for the same people, leads to guilt that I didn't get something done for someone.  

So, I am happy about the Check, Check, Excellent part of today.  I am not sitting in guilt tonight.  I am sitting in pride.  Tonight gets to be all about me.

I deserve it.

At least tonight.

Tomorrow is another story.

Later...

Without a struggle there can be no progress

Struggle is something I do every day.  I struggle to be void of pain.  I struggle to breathe.  I struggle to understand the idiocy that is 90% of the people I work with.  This week has been no different.  This week has not let me down.

So, I have learned that a person CAN be too tired to think.  I have been living it this week.  An upgrade to our computer system has created an exhausting week.  Not exhausting in the way a 12 hour day of Christmas shopping can or a day of running five miles or digging ditches, but exhausting in a When-did-I-get-hit-by-that-speeding-car kind of way.  A think-tank kind of exhausted.  

My brain is actually feeling fried.  I wanted to think of something to write about all week but had nothing until today.  Today these words are coming most likely due to the upgrade and subsequent testing being complete.  I am shutting down that problem so there is a tiny bit of room in my head now.  Until tomorrow.  When the fruits of my labor will be put to the test and any and all problems must be resolved immediately...or sooner.

I have had to endure the attempts of a higher-up making an attempt to tear me down.  "Do you feel like you can make an confidant, informed decision?" she asks, disdain in her inflection. "Yes."  I say with resolute defiance.  "okay...." she says in that sing-songy way your mom would when you told her you could do something you both knew was impossible.  And on a phone call with 11-12 other people.  Way to build my confidence.  Some Manager.  Why did she think it wise to tear down the one person who knows this stuff right before something so important?  

Who knows.

Some people need to make others feel bad so they can feel good.  I don't understand that way of thinking.  I am tough, too but not to the detriment of others.  There is no point in it.  

Tomorrow I will go to work, head held high, knowing I did it!  I made a confident, informed decision and successfully tested and edited the application!  If there are problems I will resolve them immediately and thoroughly!   Everyday is a struggle with my health...I won't tolerate a struggle with my job!  My job is something I am confident in.  I know it.  I can do it in my sleep.

Struggle be damned!  Tomorrow we succeed!!

Later...

Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you

As everyone has, I have been hurt by people I loved but who clearly didn't love me.  I have been hurt by people who I thought liked me but didn't.  I have been hurt by people I respected not giving even an ounce of respect in return.  I feel like every day there is another hurt to face although most times there is not a second thought given to the hurt.  It's easy to get over because I recognize it and can keep it from taking me down.  Recognizing an old hurt acts very much like a vaccine.  My body knows that hurt and can just beat it down and move past it without much thought.

But some hurts cannot be vaccinated against.  Some hurts are strong and the inflictor is smart, knowing exactly how to mutate the hurt to keep your body's defenses from sensing it and keeping it down.  Some hurts are designed especially for the recipient and directed to the most vulnerable place to cause the most damage.  These soul-sucking hurts are what really bring the pain.  The all over, intense, life-stealing pain can be so debilitating and overwhelming that it might never be stopped.

I know we all have at least one such pain but it's the way we deal with it that makes or breaks us.  

My biggest frustration is having to deal with the barrage of hurts, more than any mere mortal can defend against at once.  I can deflect and deflect and deflect when they come one at a time...But throw the whole arsenal out there at once and I am a goner.  The usual hurts I can readily deflect easily and without much notice are sent in all at once then the hurts get larger and stronger, less recognizable, that I cannot possibly withstand the blows.  My defenses are too badly beaten to continue the fight. 

Then comes the self-doubt.  Next the self-loathing with the white flag unfurling ...and suddenly I notice I am the one preparing to wave it.  

I realize defeat.  

I can't move or think.  I know there is still so much to get done but the inflictors are still standing over my weak, crumbled spirit, all waiting for the white flag of defeat to be waved so they can celebrate their victory.  Then there is a bright light...the light of self-defense that I have known longer than most of the hurts.  I remember then that I am strong.  I am smart.  If anyone can do it I can do it or it can't be done at all!

I can raise my head up and continue the fight.  My armor is weak and my spirit a little worse for wear but I will not be defeated this day!  They cannot destroy me, they can simply continue to try!  It is not in my DNA to quit...to lay down in defeat.

So here I am.  Living to fight another day and building my defenses to be stronger with every blow.  

Bring it on inflictors!  I don't lose until I say I lose.  And I don't choose to lose this day!

Better luck next time.

Later...

Karma and how to avoid it

I believe what they say about Karma.  I believe karma gives as good as she gets.  I believe that karma is the what that comes around and goes around.  I believe that everyone gets theirs in the end.  

Be kind to others for karma will strike a blow you weren't expecting if you aren't.  

I believe karma comes in many ways.  Laugh at the girl in the cubical next to you because she had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose?  Well, karma gets you back by causing you to trip just a little over nothing, but enough to drop an enormous file of loose papers...that everyone saw.  And now they are laughing at you.  Don't worry though...karma will have her shot at them, too.

Hit someone in the back of the head with a ball and it comes right back at you.  You can't get away from your karma fast enough.  This is a phenomenon known as instant karma.  Instant karma is a cruel mistress, indeed.

Sometimes karma is kind, generous even.
A friend needed an extra quarter to buy a bottle of water from a vending machine. The vending machine dispensed two waters instead of one. My friend gave me the extra water. 
It makes me smile to know karma can be good...good to the person doing a good deed and good for the person receiving the raw deal.

The lesson for today?  Be kind.  You never know if you will be the recipient of a bottle of water or a smack in the face with a giant ball.

Your behavior determines the outcome of your day.

think about it.

Later...

Life and Loss

A very dear friend of mine lost her grandfather just three weeks after her grandmother passed.  Dealing with that level of loss is nearly impossible to relate to.  I have not had the experience of losing many people close to me, but I have had my share.  I want to help her but I know there is nothing I can do except be there for her when she is ready to come back to the world.

My losses have been few by most adult standards.  I lost my Great-Grandmother when I was 10, my Grandmother when I was about 28, and my grandfather in my 40's.  My husband's father died after we had only been married about 9 months.  This loss...I felt this loss to the depths of my soul.  I loved my father in law.  He was a great man.  He would talk to me about my work and about his medical conditions and the meds he took for them.  He would tell my mother in law to "stop yammering at the girl" and share me...he wanted his time, too.  His wanted to give advice so I would always find some kind of minor problem for him to advise about.  His advice was always sound.  His smile enormous as he delivered it.

Loss is felt differently by different people and for different people.  What I mean by that is, losing my grandmother and grandfather (my mother's parents-I don't know my sperm donor's family) was really not even a blip in my life.  Grandma was the meanest woman I have ever met...even to this day.  My grandpa was a nice man but we really weren't close...he was married to the meanest woman in the world, after all, so there wasn't much opportunity to be close.

My great-grandmother, Nana, was a wonderful woman who would read to us and play jump rope...She helped us hone our imaginations.  Her daughter, my grandmother, didn't play with us or read to us.  But, she did instill in me a love for America's pastime, baseball!  I was ill a lot as a child (and even still now but I manage it better) and spent a great deal of time with Nana, who lived with my grandparents.  When I was at their house, wheezing, grandma would sit me in front of the TV and tell me to pay attention and take the stats of the game she turned on for me.  She was in the other room listening to another game on the radio AND watching a third game on a smaller TV.  Living in California offered many baseball teams to follow, and follow them she did!

Nana loved her soaps.  I loved her soaps.  I watched the entire schedule of ABC daytime dramas until they each went away.  As I got older and needed to work, I spent less time watching the soaps but I also learned that I could miss months and still not feel like I missed any when I could catch up with one on a sick day.  Luckily, I could always get through the soaps with Nana before I was put to work watching baseball.

I still watch baseball.  I don't keep the stats of every game in a binder like grandma...I just watch because I love it.  When I have the great fortune to go to a game, I cry when I crest the top of the steps at the Left Field gates of Safeco Field and can see the grass.  Baseball is special to me.  It was the only reason my grandmother spoke to me.  

Nana told us she loved us (and would turn out to be the only one who did for many years) and wanted to hear our songs and stories-wanted to know what kinds of games we played and helped us make up games only we knew how to play.  When she died, I thought I might not live, either.  I wondered who would love me and who would take care of me when I was sick.  

Now, I write stories that I feel Nana would like.  Stories I feel my father in law would appreciate.  Not all the stories I write are for Nana or Ken (my father in law) but I do find a great deal of inspiration thinking about them.  Wishing I could have had them a bit longer.  

Someday I hope to write a story that would have made them very proud.  I will know when it happens because I will feel their pride.  Sometimes I find myself talking to them...in my head...more than 40 years after her passing I still talk to her and he has been gone about 7 years.  Asking their advice.  I know they are watching over me.  I know they are proud of me.  I know they still love me.

What else does a person need?

Later...

Something exciting

Have you ever had news you wanted to share but couldn't because you didn't want to jinx it or tell people who shouldn't know?  I am currently keeping such news to myself!  It is difficult to keep locked up!  

This is one reason I have stayed firmly in radio silence, as they say.  When I sit down to write and begin writing, things just come pouring out of my brain...I type as fast as I can, which is actually much faster than the only pencil and paper I used to use...I then have to delete most of what I had just written to avoid giving anything away.  

BOO!

I will either have something to share in 2-3 weeks or I will have nothing to share and will have found numerous other tid bits to write about!  

Today is Sunday.  Sunday is a day of rest here.  And I mean full-on rest!  Very little gets done...we chat, we watch TV, we do a load of laundry or two...but mostly we spend a great deal of time fading in and out of consciousness.  It's a tough gig...staying awake on a Sunday.  

Last Sunday we had date day.  We went to a movie and then stopped at the local casino to lose some money before eating a fine meal and then coming home.  

This Sunday is better.  I made a pot of beef and barley soup yesterday so we have dinner for tonight; I did some laundry yesterday so I don't have laundry to do today; I did payroll so I am done with business.  All in all, I would say an excellent Sunday!

Cross your fingers for a good upcoming week.  

Later...

Something good

I have some really good things in my life right now.  I have children and grandchildren who love me.  I have a husband who loves and respects me.  I have a dog who cannot wait for me to finish this post and go play with her.  I have friends, dinner is ready, I'm writing today...the smoke is clearing, the sun is shining, I am (mostly) breathing...  

Something good is some things good.  Some things great, actually.  

The list is much longer but then I would be talking about things like the ice cream in the freezer and my decent blood sugars.  I will focus on one good thing for today.  

I got an email from one of the places I sent my resume to.  My resume does not even remotely imply I am qualified for the posted job but I wanted to get it out there.  See what is out there and if I can gain some interest.  The answer is clearly yes!  

I don't know if there is suddenly a job with my skill-set or if the hiring manager actually thinks I may be qualified or wants to talk to me about something in the future, should there be an opening someday but whichever it is, I got noticed!  I know I have a job but I am not entirely happy with it at this point.  I have been at my job for years but feel it has changed to the point of being unrecognizable as the job I was doing...the job I wanted.

So, I am going to talk to this person and see what happens.  I am expecting nothing specifically but every chance to interview is good.  

Somebody thought I look good on paper.  

That's pretty exciting!

Later...

To my sister....

Baby Sister,

What a fun and exhausting three days we spent together preparing for your beautiful daughter's wedding reception.  While things were certainly not perfect, they were interesting and often fun, making the whole thing worthwhile...although I would not want to have to work that hard again in my life!

I know you were both sad and thrilled that your daughter is now married...sad because she is leaving and thrilled because she is leaving...but mostly content that she is happy.  The love you have for her and the love she very clearly has for you was not unnoticed.  

We can get together more now, have some sister adventures.  I know how your heart is feeling a little empty now but I have done this three times.  Watched as my children, one by one, moved on to make their own lives with the people they love.  Build their own families and homes.  I know it is difficult but it really turns to pride soon enough.  Pride in them for the choices they are making and pride in them for the people they are...because of us.  

You have a beautiful daughter of whom you raised virtually alone...Yes, you had some small amount of help along the way but that girl is your creation.  She is a wonderful, thoughtful, giving person because she has you as an example.  She will ALWAYS make you important because you ALWAYS made her important.  You are the real love of each others' lives.  Others will come into your hearts but you will never be replaced.  

I love you, Sister.  I love you and I love my niece.  I am proud of the woman she is and the woman who made her.  

Thank you for sharing her day with me.  It means the world.  

Later...

True love is alive

I went to my eldest son's home over the weekend to celebrate with him, his lovely fiancee and my grandson...and the many, many people that are their friends and extended family...their engagement.  They threw a super fun barbecue and the people streamed into their very small home and thankfully larger back yard...all to celebrate the love between these two excellent human beings.  

I love my son and his fiancee.  I love that you can feel the love and respect they have for each other and every one of the friends who came to celebrate.  I have talked about love and family before but this is different.  This is fascinating.  I have raised a human being who is respectful and generous, wonderful and kind.  I have actually raised three such humans...I have the truest of true love for them.  They are my heart.  

I have been, for the majority of my life, difficult to love and certainly difficult to like.  I have the most impermeable of walls built around me for most everyone.  My children, my grandchildren, my sisters and nieces, my selected family and friends...they all have easy access across the big wall.  Everyone else...not so much.

As my children have grown to adulthood and introduced their new families (their husband/wife/fiancee and the families that come with them) to my side of the wall, I have sadly not lowered my defenses as much as I should have.  Not as much as they would have liked.  I am a hard person.  Cold-hearted a bit.

I am careful.

I have allowed the wrong people on my side of the wall in the past...just lowered that wall and let them come in and pillage.  It took years to get over the damage...like a ravaged field after the locusts have feasted.  Every error in judgement has raised the wall higher still.  I don't like this about me but it has served me well.  

But, yesterday, as I watched these wonderful people celebrating my son and his fiancee, it occurred to me that perhaps my walls are high but I didn't teach my children to build them.  My excellent, loving, generous, intelligent children love much and are loved.  They respect and are respected.  They didn't go down the path of their hardened mother but rather used the love and respect they were raised with to build friendships and families of their own.  Friends and families who have, by and large, accepted this old, hard, cold soul for the person her children see.  

Wow.

True love is alive in the hearts and souls of people I had a hand in making...and in everyone who touches their lives.  

I think my cold heart has thawed quite a bit in the past few years.  Thanks to my children...and their children...and their friends and selected families.  My cold heart is warmer indeed.

Later...

Eenie, Meenie, Mine, Mine Mine!!

Today I learned that everyone, even the most sincere and honest people, can be selfish.  It's an ugly thing in the hands of some people, and pitiful in the hands of others.  Being selfish can be embarrassing once the person sees themselves and it's those people that are easily forgiven for their selfishness.  

The self-entitled selfish people, well, they are a different story entirely.  

I am a sharer.  I learned it as a small child, like most well mannered individuals.  Share your toys.  Share your snack.  Share your knowledge.  Share the credit.  Yes, I am a sharer from way back.  What I haven't learned yet is, when sharing, you give a little and keep a little.  Sharing gives you the chance to determine the amount of whatever it is you are willing to share.  Sharing only the smallest amount, however, can make you actually look selfish.  Like you are sharing to make yourself look good but you really aren't willing to give much up.

Especially the credit.

I tend to share the greater amount.  Cut the sandwich in half, I give the large half.  Three cookies...I give two and keep one.  Letting the share-ee choose the toys they want first.  You get it.  When it comes to the credit...I tend to give it all.  

Credit where credit is due is something people say, not something I live by...I work like a dog for days on a huge project for the entire enterprise, leaving my own work to flounder in the background, and give every ounce of credit to the person who asked me to create it.  For the most part, I am happy about doing the project for this person who I like.  But then my selfish side rears it's ugly head...I receive no credit at all for hours and hours of work unless and until something goes wrong with it.  Then I hear "Suzanne did it!"...of course I did.  I don't hear anyone saying "Suzanne did it!" when they are handing out pats on the back or a bonus!  

See?  Selfish.  

I selfishly want to get some small amount of recognition when the job is well received, not just when it is criticized.  I want the pat on the back.  I want the "Suzanne did it?  Excellent work!"  

But, when I am asked to do another big project...even to the detriment of getting the rest of my own projects done...Even while having to explain why my own projects are no further when last I was asked...I will do it.  I will do it well and give the asker the credit.  I will seethe because I didn't let anyone know I did the work and someone else took all the credit?  

Did they?

Did they take all the credit or did I freely give it away?  

Excellent question...

Later... 

A-one and a-two and a-three...

Most days I try to have a well orchestrated, finely balanced, well scheduled day.  I like having a goal.  Making a plan.  Do I realize a plan is not always possible?  I do!  In fact, I am so well-versed in planning and scheduling that I allow for changes in the plan which, barring total fiasco, will still allow a goal to be met.  A plan to be executed.  Today, my orchestrated dance-of-the-many-tasks did not go well.  

I had trouble tickets to resolve, a presentation to polish, about 30 emails to read and answer and an additional 20 emails to just read.  I had some small, daily tasks to clean up...then I noticed the daily part of the equation had clearly been abandoned some 4-5 weeks ago.  I needed to finish 3 big projects (all in differing states of completion) test an application upgrade (which I have barely even looked at in 4 days) and write some workflows for four effected departments...alas, most of this will be waiting for me, in the exact same state as it was today, when I go to work in the morning.    Yikes!

So, while my projects are still incomplete, I didn't get any testing done, and there are still two tickets I couldn't complete, I still feel I accomplished something.  

Today I learned to let it go.  Just for the day perhaps...Let the anxiety of not following my schedule go.  Let the stress from my still incomplete projects go.  Let the drama go.  Just let it all go.  

Tomorrow is another day.  Another long, stressful, anxiety-inducing day...which I will get through and then let it go.  

If you know me at all you know I am just saying that with absolutely no intention of believing I can let it go.  Oh, I will try-I will put forth an incredible effort but...letting it go...not really my thing.  

But, tomorrow will cue up a whole new dance style and I am getting ready to boogie!  

Later...

The bell curve is practically flat

As my daily quest for knowledge continues, so does my total lack of tolerance to stupidity.  We live in a world where stupidity is tolerated but also where knowledge is at your fingertips...this being so, I have my low threshold for the inane for the simple fact that it should not be possible to be this idiotic!  It's those people (you know who you are) who make no effort that are the cause of my frustration.

Worse yet however, and by a mile, is laziness.  I have a streak of it myself.  Everyone does but everyone doesn't practice laziness like they are attempting to make the US Olympic Laziness Team.  Most of us are selective in our laziness.  Sundays, the middle of a bad week so vacuuming is out, that kind of thing.  But I know people for whom laziness is the norm broken up by small bits of achievement...very small bits.  And largely incomplete accomplishments...like a demi-triumph.  

It's a rarity to come across someone who excels at both but I have managed to find such a person.  I feel like I am witness to a great phenomenon...A new world wonder!  

Why is it these people seem to have no clue?   

I feel like at home it's easier to find some lazy time.  I don't know how to pull off full-on absurd but I admit I have taken a whack at it a time or two.  But at work, the place they pay you money to be both productive and bright, you should in fact make every effort to be at least one of those things daily.

But alas, no.  

If you really think about it, there could be found a brilliant argument for pulling it off everyday.  It's hard accomplishing nothing while convincing most everyone there is no real hope for a rise in the bell curve.  I mean, they are pretty creative at spending entire days for entire weeks of entire months making themselves look busy...maybe they are really the intelligent ones....

Something to think about.

Later...

Just another stagnant Sunday

I enjoy Sunday.  Sunday my husband doesn't work.  Sunday, we lay around like the people of leisure we would like to become.  Sunday is marathons of Snapped, House Hunters and Law and Order.  When our programs are on during the regular programming season, we will take the opportunity on Sunday to catch up.  I cook and we eat.  I make popcorn and we eat.  I cut veggie trays and we eat.  We nap because we spent the last two hours eating.

Wow.  I just admitted to laying around, watching TV and eating for an entire day every week.  A day dedicated to this.  My favorite day of the week.

To be completely honest, Sunday is also for laundry...not a lot of laundry but certainly enough to get me into the next week.  Through the week I will do another load or two, as necessary, but Sunday is my 2-load minimum day.

Sunday is also family phone call day.  I usually talk to my mother and my older sister.  I talk to my kids most Sundays.  We get a "muster" call from my mother-in-law, too, which is usually very long and very informative.  We hear all about the comings and going in her small, tight-knit neighborhood.  

But mostly on Sunday we talk to each other.  Really talk.  We talk every day but on Sunday we talk about our 5-year plan and things we want or need to do around the house.  We talk about our wills and we talk about what we would do if one of us goes first...he hates this part of Sunday.  He has a really tough time thinking I will go first.  We talk about anything and everything...except work.  Sunday we give ourselves a break and DO NOT talk about work.  It's like a mini-break...a vacation.  

Lily, the dog, loves Sundays, too.  She knows we will both be home with her all day long.  She is fairly spoiled day-to-day and I am sure thinks that Sundays are just so we can both take turns petting her and taking her outside; talking to her and kissing her little face.  Did I mention she's spoiled?

So now it is the end of my Sunday.  My husband is reading AND watching a marathon of Snapped and I am writing.  I haven't been writing every day as I had hoped but I am still writing!  Good for me!  I love being proud of myself.

Later...

Another day, another stressful situation

I have always been a little high strung, wound a little too tight.  I think for the most part I manage this situation.  No medication.  No big freak outs.  Just being me.  Don't get me wrong, being me has not always made me popular.  I think the being me is often being blunt, sarcastic and not super warm and fuzzy.  Perhaps even a little cold.  A hard ass.  It's me and it's how I make me work.

So, have had to really put on the full me this week, just to get by.  The mounds of work are quickly becoming mountains; insurmountable mountains.  It is creating anxiety.  It is creating stress. 

I hate that.

I tend to function well while being pretty tightly wound,  I have a pretty firm control of my day....I usually have a pretty firm control of my day.  But this week has grabbed and mangled my last nerve.  One more day, baby.  One more day!

I need to decompress...I have more work tomorrow than my 8 hour day will allow but if anyone can do it, I can do it or it can't be done at all.

Pray for me! 

Later...

A chat with my sister

First, let me say that my sister hates the phone.  Knowing this, I have called her every day for the past 3 or 4 weeks, telling her it is her daily phone call.  She said "you can call me every day if you want to" but I knew she didn't mean she would answer every day.  And so she hasn't.  While I have called her every day, I only speak to her 2-3 times a week. 

Today I called, a call she did not answer....but at around 7:30 tonight, she called me.  We talked about my new grandbaby, due in February.  We talked about my nieces bridal shower this past weekend.  We talked about the upcoming wedding and how she might be able to have some sister time this weekend...

We love to laugh together.

Before I knew it we had moved on and began talking like Stuart from MAD TV, which we used to watch together.  We would laugh so hard I would end up coughing and wheezing and she would be shaking...no sound emitting from her.  Now that's laughing.

I hope we can have these  conversations forever.

Later...

Another Sunday Evening

As the anxiety of another week grows I am finding it difficult to find something to write about.  Life happens all day, every day, yet I struggle to find something even remotely interesting to write about.  Since I promised myself I would keep it up, I write.  Nearly every day.  Some days writing just isn't in the cards.  But I can't let days pass...perhaps just one day.  Missing a day here and there can't hurt.  

So here I am.  Sitting in my office thinking...writing, deleting, writing again, listening to the Go-Go's Talk Show and dancing in my chair a little.  The dog is pacing outside the door and my neighbor is mowing his lawn.  When I look around the room I see a wedding picture of my husband and my children and another of the six actors I directed in Five Women Wearing the Same Dress at the local community theatre.  

And it hits me.

I can find enumerable things to complain about, things that most people would just blow off like nothing, because they are nothing.  I can cry over pitiful things I find upsetting but which are actually just flashes of a moment, but once I start crying it's hard to stop it.  

Or

I can snap out of it and really see the great things around me.  Sure, my job is a horror show right now but I have a dog who wants to see me so badly she will pace outside the room I am in, laying down for brief rests then pacing again.  Sure, my health is terrible in this awful humidity and heat but I am married to the best guy ever-the guy who sees me struggle to breathe and swell up from edema and steroids yet tells me I am beautiful and strong.  I have raised wonderful people I am proud of and who are raising their own children now, of whom I am equally proud.  

So today I learned that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.  I didn't win the lottery.  A rich relative didn't leave me a fortune.  I am rich because I have the love of the best people in the world (and one very loyal chihuahua).  I am not sure I actually just learned this today but rather re-learned it.  

The real learning experience today?  I learned I couldn't have written a better love story than the one I get to live every day.  Thank you God!

Later...

Family

We all have one.  Well, at least some version of one.  We have our parents and siblings, cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc or we have the family we choose.  There is no biology tying us together, just the shear desire to be family.  

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have both.  

We have the family we were born into; people we love because our DNA comes from the same gene pool; people we might not like very much but are compelled to love out of a sense of duty or because we are similar in so many ways.  But we also have the family we chose.  The family that chose us.  No DNA required.  Just respect and love for the things that make us totally different and, in some ways, totally the same.  

I feel we have enough love to go around.  Bio family or selected family...we love them on the same level.  

SO, here is the lesson I learned today...we may not talk every day or even every week but family, whether via biology or selection,  is so much a part of us that time and distance are irrelevant.  I have their backs...and they have mine.  I worry about them...they worry about me.  I don't have to talk to them every day to know there is an unconditional love and respect between us.

It's how it should be.   

Later...

Today I learned about people

Today was pretty much like every other day at work, until my learning experience hit me right in the back of the head.  Like the smack your mom would give you for mouthing off...only today was a metaphoric smack in the head.  The one that reminds you trusting people is dangerous and stupid.  

I got comfortable.  I got complacent, in a way.  I have been told many times that "they couldn't do it without you" until I started believing it.  Believing it is the danger.  You can't actually believe what they tell you...because if you do, you let your guard down.  You become comfortable and complacent.  You find out that you were right all along...up until the time you weren't.  The moment you started to believe.

You see, it is not my usual nature to believe in myself too much.  It was drilled into me as a kid.  I was not smart.  I was not pretty.  I was not healthy.  I was never going to amount to anything because being an ugly, sick, stupid girl, I was never going to accomplish anything.  I was told I never followed through...never completed anything.  After awhile it becomes the thing you know as surely as you are standing there.  So I was never too comfortable.  I was never complacent.  I was never in any danger of pride going before a fall.  But neither was I going to amount to anything.

Over the years, I held fast to those beliefs.  Held onto them like they were a lifeline...after all, it was the one thing I was sure about.  As sure as I was standing there.  Over the last 10 or so years, I have begun to feel less like nothing.  More like I can do something.  Like I am valuable.  Like I am smart. I got pretty good at my job...really good at my job. Still not so pretty but funny so, I have that, too. 

Then there was today.  Today when I was reminded that you can't trust the people who build you up because they would sell you down the river for a nickle.  Back that bus right over you.  They won't look you in the eye as they ask "I remember you saying that.  Didn't you just say that?".  I got so good at my job that I became the one person who could be blamed for everything that went wrong.

Here's what I have learned to do very well.  I have learned to defend myself.  I taught my kids how to defend themselves...not with a gun or a knife, or by fighting but by using words.  The power of using my words to spout the truth is my super power.  I don't yell or get stressed out, I simply state the facts.  The well documented facts.  

Did I mention that I keep all documentation that has anything to do with something that could come back and bury me?  Well, that's the other thing I can do.  I can document.  My firm grasp of the English language has helped me through a lot.  

So, today I learned about people.  I learned that you don't work with your real friends.  You work with work friends...people you talk to at work but really don't do much with except go out and have a drink or dinner to complain about the only thing you have in common...work.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I knew all along they weren't my real friends but I got comfortable and complacent-I though I could trust them with my thoughts about work.  

I should have trusted them about my personal life.  They couldn't have hurt me with that.  But, I learned a valuable lesson today.  Don't say anything at work about work that you don't want everyone at work to hear.  Because your work friends will spill it...to anyone who might be able to give them something in return.  A K-Cup for the coffee machine; an extra water from the drug-rep lunch...whatever.  The information went so cheaply.  

I learned about people today.

I learned I can trust very few.

I learned that sometimes, when I get comfortable, I can't even trust myself.

Later...

You learn something new everyday

For the most part, I believe i learn something new every day.  Sometimes the details are miniscule but sometimes, and these are my favorite, I come across an honest to goodness, real life thing I didn't know before that very second.  I will frequently, when the moment allows, stop and spend a moment committing the new thing to memory, writing it down if necessary...and writing it down has become more and more necessary the older i get.  Sometimes, I push it to the back of my mostly crowded mind until I have time to really sink my teeth into it.  Sometimes waiting is the kiss of death.  The new thing I just thought I had learned was not learned at all for it has been forgotten. 

But I make an effort to learn a new thing every day.  Maybe it is just a work thing or just some cooking trick...whatever it is, I know I am fortunate to have learned it.  Every day I feel smarter, even for just a moment, for having learned something new. 

Today I began a writing Masterclass by James Patterson.  I learned that the passion for writing has to be exercised and fed to keep it alive.  I have to make time for writing.  And so it shall be.  I will write every day.  Something.  This blog.  Bits and spurts of my story. 

Just as long as I keep writing.  No excuses!  An hour a day is not much to give to my passion. 

My passion.  I like the sound of that.

Later...

All woke up with no place to go.....

Sunday morning and awake at 330....again.  I know it's my usual but I really do want to sleep.  Apparently, it is just not in the cards for me.  I guess there is no time like the present to get my daily (or most every day) writing in.  Next to me there is a little snoring chihuahua.  In the living room, there is a snoring husband, Sharing the sofa with two sleeping kitties.  Then there is me.  Sitting in bed, typing away.

This is a daily scene only most days only the snoring husband is next to the snoring dog, giving me a valid reason for being awake. 

I would love to get things done around the house ....as long as I'm up.  Waking up the snoring masses might not be the popular choice, however.  This time awake will just have to be  time lost to television, writing and reading.  All things I love but sadly not getting my floors done.  By the time I can get busy I will be ready for a nap.  A long nap....because I am tired from being up half the night.  But I won't nap....because if I do, I won't be able to go to sleep early enough to make 3 AM not feel that early tomorrow morning. 

The Vicious Cycle.

Nothing I can do but find my early morning creativity....or watch Law and Order....or read something.....I guess this time won't be wasted after all. 

I would still rather sleep till 0500, at least.

I guess creativity wins the day.

I have a book to read.

Later...

What a hectic week....

....but at least I am trying.  Long post or short post or barely any post at all....at least I am doing it.  It may not always be interesting, but I am doing it. 

And tomorrow I will do more.

I am so tired....

Later....

I missed you....

Missed the last 2 days.  Just too exhausted to write.  Work is sucking my motivation....but today I am back!  Still mentally exhausted, but back. 
I found out today my son's are polar opposites.  I knew it but was faced with the really today when my oldest told me something his younger brother said to him today about his chosen vocation.   It was mean.  It was sad.  I thought they had been making strides to grow closer but the statement todzy....well, it drove a pretty huge wedge between them.

My heart is broken. 

On the upside, today is Wednesday.

Later...

Day 6.....and counting

We have been experiencing record high heat out here in the Pacific Northwest.  It was in the 90s today....it got up to 84 in my house.  It's miserable.  I am miserable.  My poor cats and dog are miserable.  My husband is sitting in the garage wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt.  I don't understand that.   How has he not totally melted?  

Worked this weekend, which I actually didn't mind doing because work is air conditioned.  Most homes here don't have AC because it is usually a balmy 67 degrees when we break out the summer wear. 

Day 6 in a row.  Wow!  I am super tired today and afraid I have nothing to share except talk about the weather.

Check.

Later....

A day of house cleaning....

Well, a day of knowing house cleaning needs to be done.  I need to vacuum the downstairs, steam clean the carpets and rugs, clean out the office and organize it's contents, finish the kitchen, laundry doesn't do itself...The list is certainly longer than my ambition.  

My husband went to work today and I am on call waiting to find out when I can go do some testing at work.  I could just take a nap then take a shower then i would be ready to go to the office or I could begin the overwhelming list....I am thinking the nap might win.  It's early yet really and i don't think i will get a call before noon so....

Day 5...Who's proud of me??  Well, I am proud of me.  17 days until it's a habit.  Since I have no other habits like smoking or drinking, I feel I could take this habit by the horns and really do it!

Trying to decide what to do for dinner tonight.  It is going to be hot.  It has been super humid.  I will likely use the grill.  I am thinking I might get some nice grilling veggies and take a nice piece of cod out of the freezer...My husband caught a few nice cod and I vacuum sealed and froze them.  

I really need to quit procrastinating and accomplish something...even if it is only a nap and a shower...

Later...

I will survive...

As I sit back and watch everything implode around me I am hit with the notion that things CAN actually get worse!  SO much yuck, I was sure there was no chance of things getting worse.

Then it hit me.

The reality.  The sad, cold, harsh reality.  Not much to say or do really, just wait for the fallout.  Well, get out of the way and wait for the fallout.  Since this mess is not my doing but has certainly become my problem, getting the hell out of the way seems wise.  I mean, I wouldn't want to get any on me.

Something good: This is the fourth day in a row I have written.  Yippee!!  I want to throw myself a mini parade to recognize that just 17 more days and this will be a habit...harder to forget.  Harder to ignore.  I am still developing what I want to say but saying something in writing makes me happy.

I just watched the first episode of the new FX series Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll.  I am on the fence.  I love Denis Leary and John Corbett and the actress playing Denis Leary's illegitimate 25 year old daughter is awesome!  I love Leary's groupies.  It was good but kind of a yawn.  I am hoping it gets better quickly.  I am sure that as the story amps up it will get much better.

I am wiped out from this long week.  I hope it all works itself out soon.  I am too old for this nonsense!

Later...

I'm too old for this!

This has been a pretty terrible day at the end of a pretty terrible week.  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel as anything other than an oncoming train.  
Great!  
Another train and me without a ticket.  The story of my life.

This is day three in a row for writing.  It has been hard to find the time and today I am in a terrible mood but I am doing it.  Bursting with pride here! 

I have begun watching Wahlburgers.  I've seen a few from the past seasons and am watching this season from the start.  I love their family!  What a wonderful group of people.  Their mother should be very proud and it appears that she is.  I enjoy how they are a regular family with strong values and deep love and respect for each other. 

I'm beat.

Later...

When life gives you lemons....

Well, it was another lemonade day at work.  One piece of bad news after the other.  it was mostly intolerable with a few moments of "What?  What now??" tossed in for good measure.  I wonder how much more a person can take?  

Great.  

Now that's out there.  Never put that kind of question/statement out into the universe.  It will somehow find a way of meeting the challenge.

I am pretty proud of myself for this whole two days in a row thing I have going.  Next will be three, then four...before you know it I will be an official blogger.  I am considering trying to blog and make a living at it.  I know people do, I just need to research this idea.  

I am also writing from my things to write about book.  I don't have a big "great american novel" idea...yet.  I am holding out hope that very soon I will begin to write and I will find it hard to stop...I will see the story through to it's end.  

I don't want my only "publishing" credit to be the training and procedure manuals I write at work.  I have always wanted to be a published author.  Here's hoping!

My dog is snarfling outside the office door right now telling me I should be playing with her and not writing alone in the office.  I need to start dinner anyway....

Later....

10 months later....

It's been awhile.  A long while.  I love to write and I do write but I am terrible at this blogging thing!  I think I just use a computer and write so much during the day that, even though I am the only one reading this, I feel like a blog is a commitment and more like a chore.  I will make a better effort.  I say that but who am I kidding?

I have been working a lot and my job itself, while very similar, is completely different that I did 6 months ago.  Before I was hired as a new employee by our local hospital district to do a job I have been doing for 22 years.  Starting over is kind of a tough gig.  What did I do to deserve this?  I used to have 6 paid holidays, 64 hours of sick time, 2 personal days and 160 hours of vacation.  Now I only get 160 hours (or so) to use for ALL PTO.  

Just catching you (me) up.  My effort begins tomorrow when I write for a second day in a row.

Later...