Eenie, Meenie, Mine, Mine Mine!!

Today I learned that everyone, even the most sincere and honest people, can be selfish.  It's an ugly thing in the hands of some people, and pitiful in the hands of others.  Being selfish can be embarrassing once the person sees themselves and it's those people that are easily forgiven for their selfishness.  

The self-entitled selfish people, well, they are a different story entirely.  

I am a sharer.  I learned it as a small child, like most well mannered individuals.  Share your toys.  Share your snack.  Share your knowledge.  Share the credit.  Yes, I am a sharer from way back.  What I haven't learned yet is, when sharing, you give a little and keep a little.  Sharing gives you the chance to determine the amount of whatever it is you are willing to share.  Sharing only the smallest amount, however, can make you actually look selfish.  Like you are sharing to make yourself look good but you really aren't willing to give much up.

Especially the credit.

I tend to share the greater amount.  Cut the sandwich in half, I give the large half.  Three cookies...I give two and keep one.  Letting the share-ee choose the toys they want first.  You get it.  When it comes to the credit...I tend to give it all.  

Credit where credit is due is something people say, not something I live by...I work like a dog for days on a huge project for the entire enterprise, leaving my own work to flounder in the background, and give every ounce of credit to the person who asked me to create it.  For the most part, I am happy about doing the project for this person who I like.  But then my selfish side rears it's ugly head...I receive no credit at all for hours and hours of work unless and until something goes wrong with it.  Then I hear "Suzanne did it!"...of course I did.  I don't hear anyone saying "Suzanne did it!" when they are handing out pats on the back or a bonus!  

See?  Selfish.  

I selfishly want to get some small amount of recognition when the job is well received, not just when it is criticized.  I want the pat on the back.  I want the "Suzanne did it?  Excellent work!"  

But, when I am asked to do another big project...even to the detriment of getting the rest of my own projects done...Even while having to explain why my own projects are no further when last I was asked...I will do it.  I will do it well and give the asker the credit.  I will seethe because I didn't let anyone know I did the work and someone else took all the credit?  

Did they?

Did they take all the credit or did I freely give it away?  

Excellent question...

Later... 

A-one and a-two and a-three...

Most days I try to have a well orchestrated, finely balanced, well scheduled day.  I like having a goal.  Making a plan.  Do I realize a plan is not always possible?  I do!  In fact, I am so well-versed in planning and scheduling that I allow for changes in the plan which, barring total fiasco, will still allow a goal to be met.  A plan to be executed.  Today, my orchestrated dance-of-the-many-tasks did not go well.  

I had trouble tickets to resolve, a presentation to polish, about 30 emails to read and answer and an additional 20 emails to just read.  I had some small, daily tasks to clean up...then I noticed the daily part of the equation had clearly been abandoned some 4-5 weeks ago.  I needed to finish 3 big projects (all in differing states of completion) test an application upgrade (which I have barely even looked at in 4 days) and write some workflows for four effected departments...alas, most of this will be waiting for me, in the exact same state as it was today, when I go to work in the morning.    Yikes!

So, while my projects are still incomplete, I didn't get any testing done, and there are still two tickets I couldn't complete, I still feel I accomplished something.  

Today I learned to let it go.  Just for the day perhaps...Let the anxiety of not following my schedule go.  Let the stress from my still incomplete projects go.  Let the drama go.  Just let it all go.  

Tomorrow is another day.  Another long, stressful, anxiety-inducing day...which I will get through and then let it go.  

If you know me at all you know I am just saying that with absolutely no intention of believing I can let it go.  Oh, I will try-I will put forth an incredible effort but...letting it go...not really my thing.  

But, tomorrow will cue up a whole new dance style and I am getting ready to boogie!  

Later...

The bell curve is practically flat

As my daily quest for knowledge continues, so does my total lack of tolerance to stupidity.  We live in a world where stupidity is tolerated but also where knowledge is at your fingertips...this being so, I have my low threshold for the inane for the simple fact that it should not be possible to be this idiotic!  It's those people (you know who you are) who make no effort that are the cause of my frustration.

Worse yet however, and by a mile, is laziness.  I have a streak of it myself.  Everyone does but everyone doesn't practice laziness like they are attempting to make the US Olympic Laziness Team.  Most of us are selective in our laziness.  Sundays, the middle of a bad week so vacuuming is out, that kind of thing.  But I know people for whom laziness is the norm broken up by small bits of achievement...very small bits.  And largely incomplete accomplishments...like a demi-triumph.  

It's a rarity to come across someone who excels at both but I have managed to find such a person.  I feel like I am witness to a great phenomenon...A new world wonder!  

Why is it these people seem to have no clue?   

I feel like at home it's easier to find some lazy time.  I don't know how to pull off full-on absurd but I admit I have taken a whack at it a time or two.  But at work, the place they pay you money to be both productive and bright, you should in fact make every effort to be at least one of those things daily.

But alas, no.  

If you really think about it, there could be found a brilliant argument for pulling it off everyday.  It's hard accomplishing nothing while convincing most everyone there is no real hope for a rise in the bell curve.  I mean, they are pretty creative at spending entire days for entire weeks of entire months making themselves look busy...maybe they are really the intelligent ones....

Something to think about.

Later...

Just another stagnant Sunday

I enjoy Sunday.  Sunday my husband doesn't work.  Sunday, we lay around like the people of leisure we would like to become.  Sunday is marathons of Snapped, House Hunters and Law and Order.  When our programs are on during the regular programming season, we will take the opportunity on Sunday to catch up.  I cook and we eat.  I make popcorn and we eat.  I cut veggie trays and we eat.  We nap because we spent the last two hours eating.

Wow.  I just admitted to laying around, watching TV and eating for an entire day every week.  A day dedicated to this.  My favorite day of the week.

To be completely honest, Sunday is also for laundry...not a lot of laundry but certainly enough to get me into the next week.  Through the week I will do another load or two, as necessary, but Sunday is my 2-load minimum day.

Sunday is also family phone call day.  I usually talk to my mother and my older sister.  I talk to my kids most Sundays.  We get a "muster" call from my mother-in-law, too, which is usually very long and very informative.  We hear all about the comings and going in her small, tight-knit neighborhood.  

But mostly on Sunday we talk to each other.  Really talk.  We talk every day but on Sunday we talk about our 5-year plan and things we want or need to do around the house.  We talk about our wills and we talk about what we would do if one of us goes first...he hates this part of Sunday.  He has a really tough time thinking I will go first.  We talk about anything and everything...except work.  Sunday we give ourselves a break and DO NOT talk about work.  It's like a mini-break...a vacation.  

Lily, the dog, loves Sundays, too.  She knows we will both be home with her all day long.  She is fairly spoiled day-to-day and I am sure thinks that Sundays are just so we can both take turns petting her and taking her outside; talking to her and kissing her little face.  Did I mention she's spoiled?

So now it is the end of my Sunday.  My husband is reading AND watching a marathon of Snapped and I am writing.  I haven't been writing every day as I had hoped but I am still writing!  Good for me!  I love being proud of myself.

Later...

Another day, another stressful situation

I have always been a little high strung, wound a little too tight.  I think for the most part I manage this situation.  No medication.  No big freak outs.  Just being me.  Don't get me wrong, being me has not always made me popular.  I think the being me is often being blunt, sarcastic and not super warm and fuzzy.  Perhaps even a little cold.  A hard ass.  It's me and it's how I make me work.

So, have had to really put on the full me this week, just to get by.  The mounds of work are quickly becoming mountains; insurmountable mountains.  It is creating anxiety.  It is creating stress. 

I hate that.

I tend to function well while being pretty tightly wound,  I have a pretty firm control of my day....I usually have a pretty firm control of my day.  But this week has grabbed and mangled my last nerve.  One more day, baby.  One more day!

I need to decompress...I have more work tomorrow than my 8 hour day will allow but if anyone can do it, I can do it or it can't be done at all.

Pray for me! 

Later...

A chat with my sister

First, let me say that my sister hates the phone.  Knowing this, I have called her every day for the past 3 or 4 weeks, telling her it is her daily phone call.  She said "you can call me every day if you want to" but I knew she didn't mean she would answer every day.  And so she hasn't.  While I have called her every day, I only speak to her 2-3 times a week. 

Today I called, a call she did not answer....but at around 7:30 tonight, she called me.  We talked about my new grandbaby, due in February.  We talked about my nieces bridal shower this past weekend.  We talked about the upcoming wedding and how she might be able to have some sister time this weekend...

We love to laugh together.

Before I knew it we had moved on and began talking like Stuart from MAD TV, which we used to watch together.  We would laugh so hard I would end up coughing and wheezing and she would be shaking...no sound emitting from her.  Now that's laughing.

I hope we can have these  conversations forever.

Later...

Another Sunday Evening

As the anxiety of another week grows I am finding it difficult to find something to write about.  Life happens all day, every day, yet I struggle to find something even remotely interesting to write about.  Since I promised myself I would keep it up, I write.  Nearly every day.  Some days writing just isn't in the cards.  But I can't let days pass...perhaps just one day.  Missing a day here and there can't hurt.  

So here I am.  Sitting in my office thinking...writing, deleting, writing again, listening to the Go-Go's Talk Show and dancing in my chair a little.  The dog is pacing outside the door and my neighbor is mowing his lawn.  When I look around the room I see a wedding picture of my husband and my children and another of the six actors I directed in Five Women Wearing the Same Dress at the local community theatre.  

And it hits me.

I can find enumerable things to complain about, things that most people would just blow off like nothing, because they are nothing.  I can cry over pitiful things I find upsetting but which are actually just flashes of a moment, but once I start crying it's hard to stop it.  

Or

I can snap out of it and really see the great things around me.  Sure, my job is a horror show right now but I have a dog who wants to see me so badly she will pace outside the room I am in, laying down for brief rests then pacing again.  Sure, my health is terrible in this awful humidity and heat but I am married to the best guy ever-the guy who sees me struggle to breathe and swell up from edema and steroids yet tells me I am beautiful and strong.  I have raised wonderful people I am proud of and who are raising their own children now, of whom I am equally proud.  

So today I learned that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.  I didn't win the lottery.  A rich relative didn't leave me a fortune.  I am rich because I have the love of the best people in the world (and one very loyal chihuahua).  I am not sure I actually just learned this today but rather re-learned it.  

The real learning experience today?  I learned I couldn't have written a better love story than the one I get to live every day.  Thank you God!

Later...

Family

We all have one.  Well, at least some version of one.  We have our parents and siblings, cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc or we have the family we choose.  There is no biology tying us together, just the shear desire to be family.  

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have both.  

We have the family we were born into; people we love because our DNA comes from the same gene pool; people we might not like very much but are compelled to love out of a sense of duty or because we are similar in so many ways.  But we also have the family we chose.  The family that chose us.  No DNA required.  Just respect and love for the things that make us totally different and, in some ways, totally the same.  

I feel we have enough love to go around.  Bio family or selected family...we love them on the same level.  

SO, here is the lesson I learned today...we may not talk every day or even every week but family, whether via biology or selection,  is so much a part of us that time and distance are irrelevant.  I have their backs...and they have mine.  I worry about them...they worry about me.  I don't have to talk to them every day to know there is an unconditional love and respect between us.

It's how it should be.   

Later...

Today I learned about people

Today was pretty much like every other day at work, until my learning experience hit me right in the back of the head.  Like the smack your mom would give you for mouthing off...only today was a metaphoric smack in the head.  The one that reminds you trusting people is dangerous and stupid.  

I got comfortable.  I got complacent, in a way.  I have been told many times that "they couldn't do it without you" until I started believing it.  Believing it is the danger.  You can't actually believe what they tell you...because if you do, you let your guard down.  You become comfortable and complacent.  You find out that you were right all along...up until the time you weren't.  The moment you started to believe.

You see, it is not my usual nature to believe in myself too much.  It was drilled into me as a kid.  I was not smart.  I was not pretty.  I was not healthy.  I was never going to amount to anything because being an ugly, sick, stupid girl, I was never going to accomplish anything.  I was told I never followed through...never completed anything.  After awhile it becomes the thing you know as surely as you are standing there.  So I was never too comfortable.  I was never complacent.  I was never in any danger of pride going before a fall.  But neither was I going to amount to anything.

Over the years, I held fast to those beliefs.  Held onto them like they were a lifeline...after all, it was the one thing I was sure about.  As sure as I was standing there.  Over the last 10 or so years, I have begun to feel less like nothing.  More like I can do something.  Like I am valuable.  Like I am smart. I got pretty good at my job...really good at my job. Still not so pretty but funny so, I have that, too. 

Then there was today.  Today when I was reminded that you can't trust the people who build you up because they would sell you down the river for a nickle.  Back that bus right over you.  They won't look you in the eye as they ask "I remember you saying that.  Didn't you just say that?".  I got so good at my job that I became the one person who could be blamed for everything that went wrong.

Here's what I have learned to do very well.  I have learned to defend myself.  I taught my kids how to defend themselves...not with a gun or a knife, or by fighting but by using words.  The power of using my words to spout the truth is my super power.  I don't yell or get stressed out, I simply state the facts.  The well documented facts.  

Did I mention that I keep all documentation that has anything to do with something that could come back and bury me?  Well, that's the other thing I can do.  I can document.  My firm grasp of the English language has helped me through a lot.  

So, today I learned about people.  I learned that you don't work with your real friends.  You work with work friends...people you talk to at work but really don't do much with except go out and have a drink or dinner to complain about the only thing you have in common...work.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I knew all along they weren't my real friends but I got comfortable and complacent-I though I could trust them with my thoughts about work.  

I should have trusted them about my personal life.  They couldn't have hurt me with that.  But, I learned a valuable lesson today.  Don't say anything at work about work that you don't want everyone at work to hear.  Because your work friends will spill it...to anyone who might be able to give them something in return.  A K-Cup for the coffee machine; an extra water from the drug-rep lunch...whatever.  The information went so cheaply.  

I learned about people today.

I learned I can trust very few.

I learned that sometimes, when I get comfortable, I can't even trust myself.

Later...

You learn something new everyday

For the most part, I believe i learn something new every day.  Sometimes the details are miniscule but sometimes, and these are my favorite, I come across an honest to goodness, real life thing I didn't know before that very second.  I will frequently, when the moment allows, stop and spend a moment committing the new thing to memory, writing it down if necessary...and writing it down has become more and more necessary the older i get.  Sometimes, I push it to the back of my mostly crowded mind until I have time to really sink my teeth into it.  Sometimes waiting is the kiss of death.  The new thing I just thought I had learned was not learned at all for it has been forgotten. 

But I make an effort to learn a new thing every day.  Maybe it is just a work thing or just some cooking trick...whatever it is, I know I am fortunate to have learned it.  Every day I feel smarter, even for just a moment, for having learned something new. 

Today I began a writing Masterclass by James Patterson.  I learned that the passion for writing has to be exercised and fed to keep it alive.  I have to make time for writing.  And so it shall be.  I will write every day.  Something.  This blog.  Bits and spurts of my story. 

Just as long as I keep writing.  No excuses!  An hour a day is not much to give to my passion. 

My passion.  I like the sound of that.

Later...

All woke up with no place to go.....

Sunday morning and awake at 330....again.  I know it's my usual but I really do want to sleep.  Apparently, it is just not in the cards for me.  I guess there is no time like the present to get my daily (or most every day) writing in.  Next to me there is a little snoring chihuahua.  In the living room, there is a snoring husband, Sharing the sofa with two sleeping kitties.  Then there is me.  Sitting in bed, typing away.

This is a daily scene only most days only the snoring husband is next to the snoring dog, giving me a valid reason for being awake. 

I would love to get things done around the house ....as long as I'm up.  Waking up the snoring masses might not be the popular choice, however.  This time awake will just have to be  time lost to television, writing and reading.  All things I love but sadly not getting my floors done.  By the time I can get busy I will be ready for a nap.  A long nap....because I am tired from being up half the night.  But I won't nap....because if I do, I won't be able to go to sleep early enough to make 3 AM not feel that early tomorrow morning. 

The Vicious Cycle.

Nothing I can do but find my early morning creativity....or watch Law and Order....or read something.....I guess this time won't be wasted after all. 

I would still rather sleep till 0500, at least.

I guess creativity wins the day.

I have a book to read.

Later...

What a hectic week....

....but at least I am trying.  Long post or short post or barely any post at all....at least I am doing it.  It may not always be interesting, but I am doing it. 

And tomorrow I will do more.

I am so tired....

Later....

I missed you....

Missed the last 2 days.  Just too exhausted to write.  Work is sucking my motivation....but today I am back!  Still mentally exhausted, but back. 
I found out today my son's are polar opposites.  I knew it but was faced with the really today when my oldest told me something his younger brother said to him today about his chosen vocation.   It was mean.  It was sad.  I thought they had been making strides to grow closer but the statement todzy....well, it drove a pretty huge wedge between them.

My heart is broken. 

On the upside, today is Wednesday.

Later...

Day 6.....and counting

We have been experiencing record high heat out here in the Pacific Northwest.  It was in the 90s today....it got up to 84 in my house.  It's miserable.  I am miserable.  My poor cats and dog are miserable.  My husband is sitting in the garage wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt.  I don't understand that.   How has he not totally melted?  

Worked this weekend, which I actually didn't mind doing because work is air conditioned.  Most homes here don't have AC because it is usually a balmy 67 degrees when we break out the summer wear. 

Day 6 in a row.  Wow!  I am super tired today and afraid I have nothing to share except talk about the weather.

Check.

Later....

A day of house cleaning....

Well, a day of knowing house cleaning needs to be done.  I need to vacuum the downstairs, steam clean the carpets and rugs, clean out the office and organize it's contents, finish the kitchen, laundry doesn't do itself...The list is certainly longer than my ambition.  

My husband went to work today and I am on call waiting to find out when I can go do some testing at work.  I could just take a nap then take a shower then i would be ready to go to the office or I could begin the overwhelming list....I am thinking the nap might win.  It's early yet really and i don't think i will get a call before noon so....

Day 5...Who's proud of me??  Well, I am proud of me.  17 days until it's a habit.  Since I have no other habits like smoking or drinking, I feel I could take this habit by the horns and really do it!

Trying to decide what to do for dinner tonight.  It is going to be hot.  It has been super humid.  I will likely use the grill.  I am thinking I might get some nice grilling veggies and take a nice piece of cod out of the freezer...My husband caught a few nice cod and I vacuum sealed and froze them.  

I really need to quit procrastinating and accomplish something...even if it is only a nap and a shower...

Later...