Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you

As everyone has, I have been hurt by people I loved but who clearly didn't love me.  I have been hurt by people who I thought liked me but didn't.  I have been hurt by people I respected not giving even an ounce of respect in return.  I feel like every day there is another hurt to face although most times there is not a second thought given to the hurt.  It's easy to get over because I recognize it and can keep it from taking me down.  Recognizing an old hurt acts very much like a vaccine.  My body knows that hurt and can just beat it down and move past it without much thought.

But some hurts cannot be vaccinated against.  Some hurts are strong and the inflictor is smart, knowing exactly how to mutate the hurt to keep your body's defenses from sensing it and keeping it down.  Some hurts are designed especially for the recipient and directed to the most vulnerable place to cause the most damage.  These soul-sucking hurts are what really bring the pain.  The all over, intense, life-stealing pain can be so debilitating and overwhelming that it might never be stopped.

I know we all have at least one such pain but it's the way we deal with it that makes or breaks us.  

My biggest frustration is having to deal with the barrage of hurts, more than any mere mortal can defend against at once.  I can deflect and deflect and deflect when they come one at a time...But throw the whole arsenal out there at once and I am a goner.  The usual hurts I can readily deflect easily and without much notice are sent in all at once then the hurts get larger and stronger, less recognizable, that I cannot possibly withstand the blows.  My defenses are too badly beaten to continue the fight. 

Then comes the self-doubt.  Next the self-loathing with the white flag unfurling ...and suddenly I notice I am the one preparing to wave it.  

I realize defeat.  

I can't move or think.  I know there is still so much to get done but the inflictors are still standing over my weak, crumbled spirit, all waiting for the white flag of defeat to be waved so they can celebrate their victory.  Then there is a bright light...the light of self-defense that I have known longer than most of the hurts.  I remember then that I am strong.  I am smart.  If anyone can do it I can do it or it can't be done at all!

I can raise my head up and continue the fight.  My armor is weak and my spirit a little worse for wear but I will not be defeated this day!  They cannot destroy me, they can simply continue to try!  It is not in my DNA to quit...to lay down in defeat.

So here I am.  Living to fight another day and building my defenses to be stronger with every blow.  

Bring it on inflictors!  I don't lose until I say I lose.  And I don't choose to lose this day!

Better luck next time.

Later...